The Cold

I can handle being tired; I can handle being sick. I am not handling being tired AND sick very well.

I developed a sore throat shortly after Adele came home from the hospital and have been sick ever since.

Shawn brought home a lovely virus about 2 weeks ago that incapacitated him so much so he actually took a legitimate sick day and slept all day. Then Caden got sick and now it's my turn what seemed to be moments after overcoming the sore throat. Even sweet Adele is sick and has coughing fits.

I'm lucky to get 5 hours of broken sleep a night. I have trouble going back to sleep after feeding Adele due to terrible coughing fits, so my potential for sleep is reduced even further.

She is almost 2 months old. From physically healing from labor and being sick, I haven't felt well in 2 months. Even longer if you add the sleepless nights and discomfort from full term pregnancy.

I look about 10 years older and feel I will never have the energy to work out and get rid of these 10 remaining lbs.

I love them dearly, but exhaustion and illness are taking their toll.

Whose Lesson is it to Learn?

My dog ate our gingerbread house.

The whole house. Leaving only the trees out front and peppermint path.

At lunch, he ate the remainder of Caden's hot dog. Anything that is within reach of his mouth, he eats.

I nearly killed him as I watched his ninja-canine-self silently place his paws on Caden's small table and gently take each piece of dog off the plate and lick all the ranch dressing serving as dip for Caden's veggies.

As I brought him in from the yard, where he was serving his time out, I asked if he learned his lesson. And I wondered, maybe it was my lesson to learn.

Keep food out of his reach.

RIP

Xmas Day Recap

Our Xmas celebration began Xmas Eve with dinner at Shawn's Aunt's and Uncle's house. His Uncle even got on the roof dressed as Santa and threw presents down to him. It was hilarious.

Caden was spoiled rotten by Shawn's Aunt/Uncle and his own Uncle Shannon.

We didn't get Caden down to sleep until about 11pm on Xmas eve since we wanted to drive by and show him some holiday lights and we had yet to put out the cookies and carrots for Santa, which included an explanation of course and a sampling of the cookies by Caden.

This made for a late start Xmas morning. Caden is sleeper when he goes to bed at 8:30 so an 11pm bedtime makes for a late, late morning.

Caden made his appearance around 10:30. By this time, Shawn and I were both up and dressed as was Adele...our Xmas Princess.

Caden opened a few presents only to became completely distracted by them. We had to refocus him several times. It actually took a full day to get everything open...and he really didn't have that much to open!

Caden's Aunt Suzy and Uncle Mat came for the day and Uncle Shannon came back as well. Suzy is Caden's Godmother, Shannon is his Godfather, and Mat is Adele's Godfather...I actually only realized that we had all the Godparents here (with the exception of one) right now. It was so nice.

We had a delicious tailor-made menu of pigs in blankets, sushi, filet Mignon, salad, and stuffing. It was exactly what everyone wanted.

Everyone left by 8pm and as soon as I had a moment to rest, I realized I had quite the cold brewing. And today, I feel horrible. Our entire household has gotten The Cold. Shawn brought it home, shared it with Caden and now it's my turn and our sweet Adele. My poor 7-week old little muffin is all congested and coughing.

She is the cutest, sweetest, most precious thing I've ever seen and her sweet little kitten cries as she moans with her cold are truly heartbreaking. My poor girl. Soon, we'll be done with this shizz soon. Hopefully by New Year's!

'Twas the Night Before

Since blogspot jacked up my blog for a few months I haven't been able to post, and then forgot to check to see if I could!

So I haven't done any updating since September and there has been a whole lotta life happening since then. Mainly....

WE HAD A GIRL!!!

7 weeks ago today I went in for my regularly scheduled appointment to discover I was 5 cm dilated. This was not a huge surprise since I felt like I had been delivering the baby for about 6 weeks.

My doctor recommended I head over to the hospital to deliver and I couldn't have agreed more. After an hour of running around, collecting Caden, calling Grammie, and packing Shawn and I hoofed it to the hospital where Grammie met us and took Caden back home.

I was given pitocin around 2:00, an epidural around 3:00 and had our beautiful, sweet little girl at 5:25 after a mere 4 minutes (yes, minutes) of pushing. She was 6lbs 15ozs and 19.5" of pure heaven. Adele Eden has completed our family.

My doctor didn't say the gender immediately but held her up so we could see. I began crying and didn't stop crying or exclaiming that we had a girl for at least an hour. Even now I am shocked that we were blessed with a little girl.

We have a matching set.

I love her so much.

Caden is the best big brother. He asks about her all the time. Wants to know where she is, gives her her paci or blanket, turns her music on and tells me she's hungry when she cries. There is no greater brother than Caden...I'm confident of that.

This Christmas will be the most spectacular of my life. I feel beyond blessed for all the riches in my life. I have need for nothing.

I hope everyone, everywhere has a very Merry Christmas and is able to overlook the materialistic tendencies of the day and focus on the truly priceless blessings in life.

Calm Before the Storm

After a marathon weekend, things have quieted down somewhat. I spent all day Saturday coordinating a wedding and it turned out beautifully. I'm so pleased with the outcome. The owner of the farm where the wedding was held is considering hiring me as a contractor to handle events on his property. To say I'm excited is an understatement! I'm in the wait and see mode of this opportunity.

www.fleurdelisflair.com

I'm frantically trying to market myself and get more gigs lined up for next year. Since I'm not a marketer, this is totally trial by error. I am coming up empty handed a lot. But I'll keep trying. It's a friggin' blast and I love it.

We are 6 weeks away from welcoming Peanut to the family. I think we have both our girl and boy names determined. We need to let the boy name percolate a bit...see how it fits.

Over the next few weeks, we will focus on getting Caden into his big boy bed overnight and begin pulling out baby stuff. I have lots of clothes to go through and sort.

I am so unbelievably excited to see if Caden will have a brother or sister. I am equally excited about both. I always imagined boys being a hoot to raise (as mine tears through the house with wreckless abandon) and of course the thought of Shawn having a little girl wrapped around his finger melts my heart.

6 quick weeks until that mystery is solved.

Sweet Dreams

I had such a wonderful dream last night that I tried to return to it so it would continue.

It was an afterlife dream. I dreamt that Shawn and I were walking around France (where else would I be?) after life and I was showing him things that meant something to me.

When all of a sudden, my sweet Meme stepped out of nowhere and was there and gave me a HUGE hug. She passed away in 2000, so it was a real treat to see her again and feel her hug.

She never met Shawn, so I introduced them.

And unfortunately, this was the point where I woke up and the closeness to my Meme slipped away. Maybe she was just thinking of me and wanted to say hello.

I think of her a lot. Perhaps not for the best reason though. He eldest son passed away when he was only 3 from Leukemia and as Caden approaches that age, I can't help but think of how tragic it would be to lose him...from anything.

As an old lady in the hospital around the age of 95, she asked for Baby. She never stopped loving him and thinking of him. And it gives me comfort to know she has been able to hold him for the past 11 years to make up for all the hugs he was deprived of from a life cut short.

Hope to see you again soon in my dreams, Meme.

Disappointment

I didn't get the job. I am so disappointed. Not to sound to self-promoting, but I honestly cannot imagine the credentials of the person who got the job and how they could have surpassed my own for this position. I have a Masters Degree in Writing and Editing and the position was assisting the Editor in Chief. I have almost 8 combined years of experience in related areas. I was willing to take the low salary, no benefits, and part time hours. And most importantly, I really wanted the work.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE staying home with Caden. And I will love staying home with the new baby and only unless absolutely necessary would we put them in daycare.

But that's not to say I love not being paid; the sacrifices we have made and will continue to make; the lack of office-relationships; the lack of kudos from peers for a job well-done; the raises, bonuses and perks that come with work; applying my hard-earned degree and work experience; using my brain; feeling appreciated...is this list long enough?

The at-home opportunity, flexible hours, field, and industry were all PRECISELY what I was looking for. The added income would have been helpful in so many ways, and I'm truly disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself for having blown it. I'm disappointed that the man hiring for the position did not see potential in me and recognize what a great fit I was for the position.

A-choo!!

After a completely insane week, that did not include killing our third, and last dog, I have a cold and still have one remaining dog. Thank goodness!

After burying Koti and seeing the turtle and blah blah blah I had to wipe the tears and carry on b/c I had someone's dream wedding to turn into reality. And you know what? I totally stepped up and made sure this bride had the most fabulous wedding ever seen.

And it totally was. Thank you very much!

After spending hours there on Thurs to set up lighting, and more hours Thurs night to set out more lighting and Friday rehearsing and watching caterers bring in glasses, spoons, knives and chairs...lots of chairs, I returned on Sat. morning in blinding rain and heart-stopping thunder/lightening.

It was at this time that the Father of the Bride repeatedly said, "It can't keep up like this, it just can't." Although it did, for hours. Many, many hours.

Around 2pm (three hours after I got there and a mere three until the guests were scheduled to arrive--although they actually arrived at 4:00) we began dressing tables, setting out decorations, cleaning up, lighting candles, setting our chairs, rearranging chairs, distributing programs, setting out lanterns, etc. etc. etc...

I was an enormous ball of sweat. A big, fat, almost 8-month-pregnant, rotund ball of sweat having the time of her life.

My business has existed for almost two years. And this was the first wedding that I was doing what I set out to do. I had so much fun. I LOVED seeing the beautiful bride whose family I have completely fallen in love with and her beaming groom. It was all so beautiful, and happy, and lovely and I am so so so happy that I had a part in making it happen.

I did it. I pulled it off. Now I want MORE GIGS!!!

My newly hired assistant and I have plans to market and spread the word and hopefully generate more biz.

But first I have to get rid of this cold.

I got home around 11pm Sat night. Sunday around 2:00 my dearest, oldest, to-be-Godmother of my baby, and her hub came over with their dog and we celebrated her pregnancy, my pregnancy and the happiness filling our lives! It was a blast!

They left today and I had a meeting with a planning committee for LUNA Fest, which I am helping to coordinate for the county, and then a Dr. appt, when I learned Peanut is measuring larger than Caden did and I have to shove a larger baby out of my vag.

Somewhere among all this complete insanity, my nose started running and my throat started to ache, my head to pound. And now I feel like death warmed over.

But it's okay, b/c this is life. This is my life. Tomorrow Caden's furniture comes and next weekend we will spend oodles of cash buying everything in the world a toddler needs to feel happy and warm and safe and beyond loved in his big boy room.

Have I mentioned that these are the happiest days of my life? Cause they are. And anyone who tries to get in the way, don't waste your time. We will simply stop speaking and I will continue to be boundlessly happy. I don't have time, interest, or patience for idiots or their idiocy.

A little company

I went out to the compost pile, which ironically is located next to the grave for the pups.

While I was there, I walked over to the grave and saw this little guy taking a walk around the stones on top of the grave.

Something about it was quite comforting. This little turtle was just taking a walk and found nice refuge there among the stones marking the resting place of our pups.

We miss them so much. The house is so empty and vacant. There are no barks, no little feet slipping on the wood to scramble to the door, no one sits under the dinner table to catch scraps, no one sits in the front window. It's just a very different house.

Bennie mopes around, clearly the missing his brother and sister.

While it feels sorta silly to miss dogs so much, at the same time, it's nice to know how much we loved them and how much they meant to us.

There in the Woods...

...lies a small grave containing the remains of two small dogs.

The grave lies outside the fence. The dogs are bound neither by weakened bodies nor yard fences.

They are nestled together, as they so often were in life. Buried with items that meant something to them.

The morning light casts its first rays upon the markers. The deer and wildlife meander through the thin trees.

Within sight of our front windows, we can look out each day and remember the two small dogs who brought so much happiness and joy to our lives.

DJ, a white snoodle, whose love and energy caused him to twirl like a ballerina when he was presented with a treat or new company.

Dakota, a light brown carin terrier, who was referred to as a terror. She leaped at the windows at the first opportunity to bark at a passing car, person, or squirrel.

Both dogs were taken on several trips to Maine. A 12-hour car ride. There they experienced new smells and ocean views. Locally, we took them to a cabin for a weekend where they barked endlessly at the people in the neighboring cabin.

But mostly they enjoyed the yard. With access to the see the street, the driveway, and the 5 acres of woods with an increasing number of deer passing through each day.

RIP Dakota

2000-2011

RIP DJ

1999-2011

You have each other for eternity and we'll wait patiently until we are all reunited.

Hurricane Caden

Has hit as a Category 5 in my basement.

We tried to get him to the playground before the rain started, but Dakota had several accidents over night that took a while to clean up and by the time we headed out, the rain had begun.

Little boy inside all day. I hate that. I can't stand having him cooped up like a chicken-mill chick. He has successfully blown up the basement, but the main floor is still mainly under my control.

Hurricane Irene has walloped the coast, but we are only getting a day of rain, modest wind, with the threat of total destruction. I don't see it happening.

As I mentioned, Dakota is not doing very well. She stopped eating Thursday night and we thought that was it, but very early Friday morning she began to eat again. She has terrible diarrhea and unfortunately, it strikes at night and we have lovely accidents to clean every morning.

What quality of life is this for her? Not a very good one. We are hoping that we can get her tummy under control with Pepcid and see if we can't revive her a bit. But I have a horrible, sinking feeling that sometime in the next week we will be saying goodbye to her.

It has been over 7 years that we moved in together and combined our animals. 7 years that we've defined ourselves as 3 dogs/2 cats people. These 5 animals gave us happiness and fulfillness during the years we struggled with infertility and the moments that I thought they would be the only babies I ever had. Now, just 2.5 years after welcoming Caden to our home, we have lost one with another close behind.

It is really so hard to say goodbye.

The Good, The Bad, and The Unpredictable

What a week...and we still have two days to go.

This week we learned that Shawn will getting an assistant to help with his workload. This is FANTASTIC news and I'm so happy for him. I know that the amount of work he has been taking on has been getting to be a lot for him. It's hard to complain about the workload though, since it all translates to commission for him.

In other news, I have moved onto Phase II of my interview with the journal. This entails an assignment, which is the sort of work I've done in the past. I've mentioned this before, but I'll say it again, I really want this job. It's perfect and I'd love it.

On The Bad side, we also learned this week that Dakota, our sweet, loud, big personality dog has cancer. Either lymphoma or leukemia. It hardly matters which since it is progressing and we do not anticipate her being with us for much longer.

I get a lump in my throat each time I think about losing another dog so soon. We said goodbye to DJ in June and here it is, two months later and we have to prepare to say goodbye to Dakota. That same lump travels up from my throat and becomes tears when I think about Caden not having her around. He loves his animals so much and it already breaks my heart when he asks where DJ is.

We said when we were down to one dog, we'd get another. But with a baby due in 10 weeks, there is no way I am ready to take on a dog. I suppose come spring, we'll get another dog. It's all just so sad. We love our animals so much and they seem to leave so suddenly.

Speaking of Peanut, both Godparents have been invited and have accepted our invitation to be a Godparent. I'm really excited. Although we are not devote Church goers, we have strong faith and in addition to that, asking someone to be a Godparent is asking them to take on a role within your family and to me, that is a huge deal. I'm thrilled that both were touched and honored to be asked. Their reaction is exactly what I was hoping it would be.

We still haven't ordered Caden's Big Boy furniture. That little thing called money seems to slip through our fingers too quickly! We have about half of what we need. Hopefully we can order it next week without having to dip into our savings.

(see, this is where that job would come in really handy)

This is a huge week for Caden who slept through his first earthquake, which will shortly be followed by his first hurricane this weekend. Two natural disasters in one week...crazy!!!

We are about 60 miles from the epicenter of the earthquake and while we sustained no damage it did scare me half to death.

Well, after playtime we have to run off to get bread in case we lose power and have to eat sandwiches all weekend.

It's been crazy lately, but I still think these are the best days of my life.

2 Thirds Down!

We entered our Third Trimester yesterday...huge milestone!! Almost as big as the beachball under my shirt!

Things are definitely getting underway in the O'Grady household. Caden's new room is painted. Both the TV and bed have been sold and are awaiting pick-up and we will order his new furniture this weekend. Although each piece is backordered, I'm hopeful it'll all be here within a month.

Which means in 4 short weeks we can move Caden into his BIG BOY room and turn our attention to the nursery for a few new wall hangings and washing/organizing infant clothes.

In other news, my March of Dimes contract begins in two weeks (yea money!) and I'm really looking forward to organizing this year's walk. Since I have one walk under my belt, I am a little more confident about what I'm doing.

And still more news...I have an interview tomorrow for a PT position assisting the editor-in-chief for an association journal. The journal is a culmination of all my past professional experience in the association world, and is a friggin' fascinating journal besides all this. I would be beyond stoked if I get the job.

Shawn is doing amazing things at his job as well and is earning some crazy commission lately.

All things considered, we are glad the move did not work. I truly love this house (despite its shortcomings) and with the fourth bedroom nearing completion for Caden, it feels filled with wonderful, happy people.

This is really just a very exciting time, I think for any family. To be adding to our family, living comfortably (most of the time), raising our son as we see fit, able to plan modest vacations and be able to donate to people in the community who are struggling, makes me very happy and very proud.

I sincerely believe in giving even when you have little to give. There may be months when Shawn and I just making ends meet. But if we can continue to give...bring someone dinner, send someone struggling some money, make a charitable donation...I think it is returned to us in many ways.

We are blessed with incredible people in our lives. I am so grateful for the friends I have made in the past few years...friends who I am hoping will be lifelong. I am grateful for their simple existence as part of my life.

We move through each day in good health with a healthy, happy, loving, ridiculously cute son and baby on the way cooking as he/she should.

I simply cannot ask for more. I count my blessings each and every day...sometimes twice.

Bear Hugs

Caden has been in a total mommy-mood this week and I'm loving every minute of it! The highlight of my week was on Wed when we drove home from daycare. He was calling me from the back seat and at a red light I turned around to see what he wanted. He looked at me and said, "Momma, I love you."

Oh melt my heart!! He is all about hugs and love and cuddles this week and I hope it lasts at least a few more weeks!! He is such a sweet, compassionate, caring little man. I love him so much.

Otherwise, it's been a hectic week with between 4 and 6 pet visits each day from 7am until 8pm. This will continue until Monday and then I'll be done for a while.

Today we will enjoy lunch with some friends and the pool later on--and four pet visits between now and then!

So he's getting in a little R&R time before we head out.

Summer Daze

This week has been fairly quiet. We've done our volunteer work and Caden went to preschool yesterday, which meant I cleaned the house! I love a clean house. This afternoon we'll head to a friend's house for a swim.


I've been incredibly fortunate to have had a few weeks of steady pet sitting, which is really terrific money. Next week, my friend who owns the business, is going on vacation so I will be doing all of her walks. Somehow, I'm on track to earn my projected $1000/month that we hoped I would earn doing part time work. Can't complain about that!


The weather this week is absolutely stifling. I've decided summer is as bad as winter in VA. It's just too hot to take Caden outside to play. The dogs don't even want to go out. Except for sitting in a pool, it really is best to stay inside.


So we've been reading and playing in the cool basement as much as possible. I keep the AC turned up a bit so as to not over-burden it and have a staggering AC bill. We turn it back down in the evenings when the sun is no longer pounding on the house.


Peanut continues to make his/her presence known. We are struggling like I've never struggled with names. I don't even know which names are on the top of our list, we run through them constantly and then just as quickly dismiss them!


Next week is my glucose test, which should be fine. I'm not that big, my tummy isn't that big, I'm not worried. I've been taking a weekly spin class and swimming on Wed. The rest of the week I chase after Caden. I think I'm doing a fairly good job of staying fit.

Here is parting shot of my bear so kindly asking me to play with him. :)

Buyers Market My Foot...

After reaching an agreement and waiting for nothing more than signatures, the owners of this property decided to "slip in" an AS IS amendment negating several paragraphs in the contract. Namely, the termite, well, and septic inspections.

Excuse me!!?

We had ALL agreed!

So we countered with three options the third of which was to all go our separate ways. That was the one they went with.

What a waste of time. The only good thing is that it all ended before we got this house listed.

It clearly wasn't meant to be, but that doesn't mean I'm not bummed because I had already placed furniture and was beyond excited about the kids' savings.

The inventory for our specific requirements is almost non-existent, so I think our house hunt will take a break until Spring when hopefully there are more homes on the market.

The good news is that I can enjoy these last few months of pregnancy and prepare for Peanut rather than packing.

Homey Homey

Every time I say "Holy Moly", Caden repeats it as Homey Homey and it cracks me up. Every.time.

This week has sucked. I'm thrilled to death that it's almost over and that we might actually get some sleep.

Monday at our friend's house Caden was coughing a bit but nothing major. When we got home, it seemed to be a little more serious and by Tuesday early morning (like 3:30) it was clear he was sick. So I cancelled the day.

Tuesday night poor bear had a fever. So Wednesday was cancelled as well.

Wednesday afternoon I'm surprised he didn't set the chair on fire he was so friggin' hot. I took him to the Dr only to discover he had a temp of 103.5 and strep. Last night this poor baby woke up every 45 minutes to an hour crying and delusional. He didn't know where he was and kept asking to "Go back" or "Go home". This continued until about 5am when he finally slept for 2.5 hours straight.

This whole day has pretty much been the same. He clan only nap for about 30-40 minutes b/f waking. It's just been miserable.

And can I say loudly I really don't want strep? Well, I REALLY DON'T WANT STREP!!!! I will be the biggest pain in the arse ever seen to Shawn if I get strep. I distinctly remember strep from one summer when I was perhaps 5 and I remember it sucking. That was 30 yrs ago. 'Nuf said.

On other, more exciting news, looks like we'll have a ratified contract by COB tomorrow! Cool shit eh? I haven't given the house much thought this week, but now I'm all kinds of excited again. It feels so right and fits us like a glove.

Once we have the ratified contract and it gets sent to their bank for acceptance, we'll have a month to list the house. Which is plenty of time. And then we'll have 3 months until Peanut arrives and seriously, if we're closing on the house while I'm crowning I'll just have to laugh b/c I won't have any other options.

This is sorta nutsy. But on the plus side, Shawn will be home for about 3 weeks after Peanut's birth and he can help get the house together---you know, when Peanut is sleeping.

It's a good thing we're young. We are still young right?

Dreams

The FB status of my friend reads "Never allow me to awake from the American Dream" and I couldn't agree with this sentiment any more.

I used to give endless thanks for living in an age where my vision could be corrected. Where I can pop in my contacts or put my glasses on and find my way. In earlier days, I surely would not have lived long since I would not see the saber-toothed tiger ready to devour me.

However, for the past 4 years, I have had to adjust my gratitude. If not for our country which allows citizens individual pursuits without the oppression of religion or government, I would not have been blessed not once, but twice, with successful IVF procedures. I would not be dreaming about the Fall and welcoming our sweet little Peanut into our family.

I am beyond grateful for the freedom allowed me to research and pursue these resources to build my family. Nevermind the endless gratefulness to the individuals whose intelligence far surpasses that of anyone I know and have created these miracles.

Added to these monumental strokes of luck are smaller blessings that we have been granted in our own pursuit of happiness. Because of the hardwork of my husband and an office that rewards its employees we have managed to get by on one income. In an era where two incomes are generally required to make ends meet, I cannot be more proud of us for making the required sacrifices in order to get by on one income. It is not easy and we continue to comb through our budget to trim more fat. But we're doing it.

And finally, the freedom to pursue our larger dreams. The dream of owning what we deem our "dream home" (should clarify, more dream property than home). These are not easy days and people continue to struggle. But things are going very well with the negotiations for the house we are looking to buy. I am hoping to hear good news tomorrow and then our offer can be sent to their bank for approval, which hopefully is already aware of the situation.

Perhaps, by the end of September we will be settled on our quiet private lane nestled among the horses and will welcome Peanut home to that home rather than this one.

Dare to dream. All things are possible when you make responsible decisions and put priorities in the right order. When you don't have to force something, it was meant to be.

My heart swells with pride for my country and thanks for my many blessings.

Mid Day Blah

Just like when I worked in an office, I would hit this wall in the middle of the day when I just felt blah. Call low blood sugar, call it a lull, whatever.

It strikes everyday shortly after naptime. I don't know what to do. It's too hot to play outside, we look at books and color and read and watch tv and paint occassionally. And other times, I just want to sit and watch Bravo until Shawn comes home. Obviously, that's not an option since someone doesn't like Bravo as much as I do. :)

I just watch the clock waiting for it to get later so we can go outside or to the playground or pool. I'm hoping to take C to the playground in a little over an hour.

What to do until then?

Relief

Today was our appointment with the specialist. We arrived on time and waited an eternity to be seen. RockStar sonographer took 10 million pix of Peanut and we got one superb profile pic. When she was done, she told us everything looked fine and the doctor would be right in.

When the doc came in, he reviewed our medical history and then confirmed why we were there, "double bubble and brain cyst". 'Scuse me?? Brain, what??

Yes, apparently, Fresh-Out-of-School Sonographer at our OBs office saw not only a blockage in Peanut's intestines, but a 4mm cyst in his/her brain as well. I can not tell you how RELIEVED we are to not have known that was a possibility. Neither exists. Peanut is FINE. F-I-N-E!!!

In other exciting news...we will submit an offer on the house tomorrow!!! Whoo weee!!! I'm so excited. There are SOOOOO many stars that need to align that I know this is a slim chance, but we'll see this through until it is surely a deadend.

We've determined the lowest amount we'll accept on this house, which will still permit us to do everything we want to do. Mainly begin college funds for the kids. Peanut will have a sizable college fund prior to birth!!! Absolutely nothing makes me happier than the thought of setting our kids up financially.

And of course, if the offers are too low, we wait. We don't have to move. We aren't extended too far, we aren't upside down...actually, if we move, our finances will remain exactly the same. The money will just be in a better place.

We'll see what happens. But Wednesday morning, they will have our offer.

Fingers Crossed!

Bubbles

Yesterday I received a call from the OB. She told me that the Ultrasound tech saw "something funny" in the intestines and she recommends I see a Perinatologist to have a look. Once I heard the message I hopped back on the phone to find out what exactly she was talking about.

It would appear that Peanut may have a "double bubble" or a blockage in his/her intestines. This will require surgery shortly after birth. Like hours or one day after birth. Obviously we are hoping there is no "double bubble" and that Peanut's bubble is just fine.

We need to wait until Monday for the appointment with the specialist. Monday. Today is Tuesday. I have to wait a week. I get the lack of urgency. I mean there is nothing to do but wait until Peanut is born, but for my peace of mind, it would be nice if this appointment was, say, today.

In other, less gloomy news. We saw potential in the house. The yard is ridiculously beautiful. The house...meh, not so much. But a fresh coat of paint and new carpets will enable us to live there comfortably while we plan additions, pick paint colors, and save copious amounts of money. We're going to submit an offer!! Whee!!! I'm very excited. We'll see what happens.

The people have filed bankruptcy and have one foot out the door. So I'm hoping the bank will seriously consider our offer. I'm too dang excited to get it submitted and get this place on the market.

I think after this weekend, the house should be ready to show. Maybe next weekend. The yard needs some attention.

This is so much better to think about than bubbles.

Farmhouse Dream on Hold

So that property line issue is larger than we anticipated. It would appear they may take as much as 1.5 acres from the farmhouse and give it to the property next door. I find it hard to believe that they will not adjust the price accordingly.

In the meantime, Shawn and I have decided we cannot bear to leave this town. It has truly become home to us, and even living in a different city name might be too far. So, with that said, we are narrowing our search for this town. Which makes the inventory nearly nonexistent. Tonight we are going to look at a small house on a large property being sold undervalue. The house is move-in ready and really only 600 sq ft smaller than our house. It will be interesting to see the configuration to see how it feel.

Should we like, bid, and get this house we would still be in our town with over 5 acres of land surrounded by more land. This is what we want. We want to raise Caden and Peanut with a large yard and plenty of outdoor space while still being close enough to our town to bring them to events. We want to put in a pool and 5 acres gives us ample space for all of it. We want to have smaller monthly expenses to make being a stay-at-home easier. We want to get our money out of our current home to start a college savings for both children, while also having an emergency stash of money. We want to be responsible.

Today I am 20 weeks along with Peanut. Now that I'm halfway there, I'm getting too excited to meet this next bundle of joy. Peanut wiggles and squiggles all the time and I love the constant reminders that someone is in there. I am so excited to lay my eyes on my beautiful baby and hold him/her in my arm and introduce him/her to his/her brother and vice versa. I'm so excited for all that the future holds for us.

I don't know how much I've gained, but I don't think it's a lot. I turn around on the scale at each appt. Yesterday Shawn, Caden, Grampie and I went to a car show in our town and I was handed two free passes for wine tasting at a local winery. Guess I don't look obviously pregnant just yet. Still just looking like I haven't lost the baby weight!!

It is a gloomy, dreary morning. C is still sleeping. Smart boy. We will volunteer at a daycare in our pool facility today, then I'll take him in the pool. Then home for lunch and naps. This afternoon's excitement for me is an oil change. I suppose I'll try to get some cleaning done in here too.

Tough Dose of Reality

While Shawn and I fantasize about downsizing our house and upgrading our yard to live in a way that more suits our lifestyle, a few horrifying local events have shaken our sweet little community.

#1) Local Asst. Principal (recently promoted to Principal) was arrested for possession and distribution of child pornography. The school where he was the Asst. Principal is right down the road from us; the one where he was going to be Principal is one where I taught. This is too close to home. Teachers are there to guide and instruct our kids to become the best and brightest adults they can be, not destroy their lives and the lives of their family.

#2) Our veterinarian unintentionally left her 3-year-old son in his car seat for too many hours and he died. This wonderful woman who has cared so wonderfully for our pets for soooo many years was distracted. Period. The whole story hasn't been released, but it frightens the heck out of me because it's something that can really happen to anyone.

Concerning the first event, people need to speak with their kids and NEVER trust any adult to be alone with them. I truly believe this. Even people you know and family should be kept on tight leashes. This is more about protecting the quality of life for your child than offending someone.

Concerning the second event, I've read stories of this happening before but NEVER to someone we know. It's almost impossible to consider the nightmare that this family is experiencing, especially the mother who must be blaming herself. This is a horrible way to recognize the things that are important in life. It's not your job, it's your family. They should ALWAYS be first and foremost on one's mind.

My thoughts and prayers are with her family and all the families of the kids who spent time with that man.

Who Says I Don't Work?

The house was perfect. Too perfect. So perfect I'll be upset if we don't get it. And the chances of getting it are about as slim as playing the lottery, for which we never buy tickets.

Most people would look at this house and think a murder took place there, or at the very least a murder movie. I see potential. Loads of potential. The yard is lovely. Shade trees in the back, small trees scattered throughout the front, a pond which the land runs through, a paddock, a guest apartment above the garage, other sheds throughout the property, etc.

There are a few major issues with buying a 70-yr-old house:

• Functioning septic and well


• AC


• Buried oil storage tank


• Asbestos


• Lead

To name a few. I've enlisted the help of a site assessor and am waiting for his quote. We also visited the property last night with a contractor to determine the cost of a 700 sq ft renovation we'd like to add. If we don't have the money for it now, we will live in the house as -is until next year and save like fiends until then.

The lead will require an abatement specialist to either remove or contain it. Containing is cheaper, we'll do that! :)

There are three flues throughout the house. One looks like it was used recently. All will need an inspection and the ones we plan to use with wood stoves will require relining to bring up to code.

And of course on this end, we need to sell our house. Thankfully, I think we have time, since I need to collect all these quotes to include with our offer (justifying the lower-than-asking price) and there is some discussion about moving some of the property lines to give the neighboring lot more land. How much? I have no clue. Would we lose an acre or a few sq ft? No clue. Obviously an offer will not be submitted until we know.

I just hope it all works out and we get the house. It will give us financial security and absolve us of any existing debt that we have. We will be able to raise our children in a gorgeous environment with easy access to all that this area has to offer.

In the meantime, I'm shoveling out this house room by room and making HUGE headway. It's scary how crazy I've become. The back of my Jeep is packed with giveaway items!

Oh, AND we had our 5-month-Peanut appointment today. Since we didn't determine gender, it was just a super fun opportunity to see the baby. Caden came with us and when he wasn't playing with cars or laying on the table with me, he watched the TV and when he saw the skull, he recognized it as a baby. He's amazing. More so every day.

These are good times, but man, are they hectic. I just hope it all works out. And if not, we are prepared for the next farmhouse to come on the market. Thankfully, fewer people want these homes than "make me house poor" homes. Giving us a greater chance of landing one!

A New Degree of Nesting

I must be losing my mind.

Shawn and I have been looking at both land and old homes on land and are considering moving. I'm beside myself with excitement and fear. Fear that I'll fall in LOVE with one of the homes and its potential, fear that it will fall through into someone else's hands.

This morning I'm going to look at a potential property about 10 minutes south of us. It's a gorgeous flat 8 acres with a 70-yr-old farmhouse on it. The best part of this house is the fact that it has a 2-bedroom apartment above the garage where we can stay while the reno happens. The other awesome thing is that the land is all flat, allowing ample space for a pool. However, a 70-yr-old house comes with a few issues: no AC, lead-based paint, an underground storage tank...etc. I've already determined what all the reno changes will involve and they aren't that extensive. The massive one is a total kitchen tear-down. Nothing will stay. Add a great room to that and a master suite above it and we're done. Now...is there enough in the budget for those issues? We'll see.

This house/land obviously has the most potential of what we've looked at, including a "rugged" 10 acres in W'ton and another 8+ with a 200-yr-old house on it. I just wonder if this is the right time to pursue our dream?

In any case, if nothing works out, we are perfectly comfortable where we are. It's not like we're in over our head and have to get out. If I die in this house, that's fine too. :) But, it would be nice to take advantage of those folks who have to short sell cause they got blinded by a pretty house and forgot to consult their budgets!

Before the move-crazies set in, we enjoyed an AWESOME week in St. Augustine. Oh my...I can't even describe how wonderful our schedule of beach, lunch, nap, beach pool was. Totally needed and greatly appreciated.

Unfortunately, only one day after Shawn returned to work our poor little DJ suffered a series of strokes. After taking him to the vet, we learned he was a total mess with potential liver failure, cancer and muscle wasting. We had little choice but to say goodbye, which we did last Thursday. Even with 4 other pets, the hole he left is overwhelming. We are both exceptionally mopey grieving for our loss. He was such a sweet, loving, snugly dog. He is missed so much, it just hurts.

Part of me wonders if the house is just a distraction. It might be.

To end on a lighter note, we will have our 20-week ultrasound on Thurs. It will be so nice to see Peanut and learn if everything is moving along as it should be. What we will not learn is Peanut's gender. :) We are annoying like that and can't deprive ourselves of the unequivocal joy of learning that you have a son/daughter the day of their birth.

RIP DJ

1999-2011

Enjoying the Calm

Most of my commitments have come to an end. I have two more Monday French classes and then that's it, I will officially (again) be unemployed and making as much as an unemployed person.

Although I am turning over every stone for editorial or contract work. I know this is the right kind of work for me to do from home on my own schedule. Hopefully some opportunities turn into something.

Caden is being such a doll lately I can't stand it. He has been talking about the "efficents" (elephants) that we saw at the circus for about three weeks now. I had no idea a two year old could remember things for that long! Right now he is playing with some trucks and just paused to tell me he heard a crow. :)

His cuteness knows no boundaries. It extends far beyond where we could ever expect cute-limits to be. He is sweet and affectionate and for the most part a wonderful little boy.

He has moments of craziness where I have to almost hog-tie him to get him off the playground or back into the car. But those are few and far between and I can deal. At least for the moment I can.

He can sing the alphabet, identify most letters, count to 11 and loves to look through books. I, self-gratuitously, take credit for all his endearing qualities. :)

Peanut is growing as a 14-week fetus should. Time seems to have slowed down a little bit with regards to this pregnancy. My pants are getting tighter and my hunger, like Caden's cuteness, knows no limits.

Shawn has been riding his motorcycle to work a lot more lately b/c of the nice weather and I'm happy that he has that to make his commute a little more tolerable. His job is going well and he continues to receive compliments from his manager. Hopefully these translate into a nice raise in August...I won't lie, a little extra cash would be wonderful.

I'm somewhat envious of the stay-at-home moms who are home because they can easily afford to live off one income. That's not us. I stay home by tightening the belt, cutting everywhere we can, and recognizing that we'll have to make certain sacrifices. With my temporary employment all running out, I'm wondering just how tight we can make this belt. There is still a lot of fat we can cut, but to do that would be recognizing some serious hardship and thankfully we aren't there yet.

I just have to look at Caden. Who asks me to look through flashcards, sweetly tells the dogs, cats, and all his toys "nigh nigh" each evening, randomly plants kisses on his momma and dadda, and I know we did the right thing. He isn't rough or rude. His speech is wonderful and he communicates beautifully with us. When I see all this, I know the sacrifices are worth it. It shocks me when I see other parents putting material things ahead of time with their children. I know one couple whose poor husband has to work ridiculous amounts of overtime to afford a lifestyle they can't actually afford. This poor man is robbed of time with his family to satisfy the selfish desires of his wife, who is not willing to sacrifice. I remind myself of that couple and how thankful I am to not be like them.

There is no material on earth greater than a random kiss from my son.

Babies

Last summer I was hired by the March of Dimes to organize their March for Babies event for our county. I had to begin Sept. 1. This was shortly after I learned that our attempt with IVF #2 for a second baby had failed and I was reeling. How was I going to work for a charity that sought to see every pregnancy to full term when I couldn't even get pregnant? I was actually envious of the women who I met b/c at least they had babies. I had trouble just getting out of the gate. The walk is this weekend. And I am now 9 weeks pregnant. I'm busy wrapping up all the final details for the walk, which includes assembling posters for families who have a connection to the cause. The families who had preemies who thrived, and those who lost their babies. It absolutely breaks my heart to see these photos of mom's holding tiny, precious babies, who never left the hospital. I can not hope and pray enough for a healthy pregnancy that ends with a seriously cute bundle. We have such a long way to go, and so much can wrong, and wrapping up the walk is just making that all the more clear to me, despite already knowing too many people who have had 1st trimester m/c. The journey of a thousand miles never actually ends.

Just a few zzzs please

It was so much easier with Caden. Wow... All I had to do was sit behind a desk for a few hours and then lay on the couch. This go-around, I have to chase a 2-year-old around, wrap-up some work (with a contract that is nearly over) and of course remember to fill the dog bowls at least once every three days. Occasionally my husband gets hungry for actual meals too, but thankfully he's good with a sandwich too. I get soooo tired. And when I lay down or take a nap, I could lay there all day. I don't have much in the way of an appetite either. It is touch and go until dinner time and then I tend to eat a normal meal. Most of the time I just want tomato juice. Damn I love that stuff! As a result I've lost a few pounds. I was told yesterday that I looked like I had lost a "ton of weight". I had no idea I'd gained a ton of weight!!! Meanwhile, in the past few weeks we celebrated Caden's 2nd birthday! He got a ton of toys despite our asking friends and family to not go overboard. He looked beyond adorable in his Saks 5th Avenue suit with shorts and suspenders, courtesy of Nana and Gramps. I've gotta get the pictures off the camera. It was too cute. He had his 2-year doctor appointment yesterday and he's doing wonderfully! The doctor was thrilled with this development and his language and motor skills. He can put three and four word sentences together and communicates beautifully. We were told that we shouldn't see too much of the terrible twos b/c he does communicate so well. Let's see if that's true. I saw a glimpse of that horror while returning something at Walmart earlier today. If the weather would warm up a bit, we could actually go outside. But it's been gloomy and rainy/sleety/snowy. Just miserable. Can't wait for spring!! I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of the 2nd trimester so I can breathe a little easier. It takes so much for us to just become pregnant, I'm not sure I could handle a loss. We are careful to whisper our dreams and try not to make too many big plans. Aside from family at the party, no one even knows peanut is with us. But he/she is and we are so happy and I just can't believe that there was a day when I didn't think one baby would grace our lives. And now we may be blessed with two. I am truly the richest person in the world. There is nothing more I need or want. I feel beyond blessed with all that is within these four walls.

Change of Plans

I'd be lying if I said this was a total surprise, because it is NOT!! It was always a possibility, we just chose to set it aside until further notice.

I'm pregnant. I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant! So adopting, for the moment, is on the back burner.

While I am beyond thrilled about being pregnant, I would be lying if I said part of me did not grieve just a little for not adopting. It was something that I was extremely excited about and looking forward. A daunting process, yes. But one that I was ready for.

Here's what happened. While we waited for our tax return to arrive to get the home study process started, we were told about a pharmaceutical company that was working with practices, including ours, to test a new drug, currently being used in Europe. If eligible for the study, the round of IVF was FREE.

There was no way we could turn this down. So on to IVF #3 which was a success.

I didn't mention this at all because over the summer we had a failed cycle and there was no way we could afford to do IVF again with the possibility of failiure. Adoption with guaranteed success was much more appealing.

And we didn't even get in the first time we tried. So there was the uncertainty of eligibility as well.

But it's over and behind us and now we are happily awaiting another baby. We saw peanut's heartbeat last week and I'll get to see it again tomorrow.

It's going to be a wonderful summer preparing the house and Caden for another baby.

We are beyond thrilled!

Show me the money!

Ok, we are back on track. Taxes were filed last night.

We won't have as much as I thought we would...we never do. But it will give us a VERY good start.

Also good news that we did not need to buy a new car. Both cars are running beautifully and better be for the next year at least! I am not a car person and will be happy to use this vehicle until the time comes that we need to upgrade for another carseat! But I think there is ample time for that.

Other potential news is pending...but pending news is no news, so I got nothing.

I'm grumpy and tired today and would love to use our tax refund for a much needed vacation. But clearly, we have other plans.

Minor Setback

Nothing like getting your sights set on something only to have a few obstacles tossed in the way.

We are getting ready to submit our application and begin getting things in order for our home study, which will total $2100. We were planning to use a portion of our tax return money to cover those expenses.

Until our cars needed inspection, and both failed. Ugh...

We had mine fixed first since it decided to not start when we were leaving the inspection garage. That came to somewhere around $800.

We picked mine up last Wed (I think) and I used it Thurs and Fri and then Sat. AM I tried to start it and nothing but wildly possessed electrical issues.

All the interior lights were flashing and all the buttons were clicking. Not good.

Then Shawn's truck started acting wonky and we realized we had one dead and one unreliable vehicle. We rented a car for a few days this week to cover Shawn's commute and borrowed one from a friend for the day to cover my duties.

This morning they towed mine from the driveway.

Unbelievable.

$800 for my car (so far)

$800 for Shawn's truck

$100 for a tow

$85 for a rental

This is just nuts. This is just a few hundred shy of the total we needed for the home study.

We are hoping that something positive comes our way soon, because on one income, facing adoption expenses, we can not be shelling out money (credit) like this.

A Perfect Weekend

This past weekend was so quietly blissful, I already miss it and it's just 8am on Monday.

Shawn has been home since Wed due to weather. We had about 7 inches of snow/ice Wed afternoon into Thurs. and our power went out at about 8:30 Wed. night...we missed American Idol and I heard it was a good one! :)

Thurs was our Pioneer Day: where we get by as our ancestors on the Plains did--sorta. The exception being we still had running water and our fireplace doesn't exactly heat the entire house. Shawn had fun hauling wood up to the deck and trying to clear off as much of the driveway as he could.

Neighbor's Car; Our Tree

It was fruitless though, since I wasn't smart enough to park my car in the street and it sat in the driveway until Sat. afternoon when Shawn had to push it out with me at the wheel!

The power came back on Thurs. night; almost 24 hours later, which is just about when my excitement of life with no power expires. I like to shower, I like to be clean, what can I say?

We went out to dinner to let the house warm up. There is a yummy Mandarin Buffet in town that has a modest display of sushi, but I'll take modest over none!

Friday, Shawn didn't really have to stay home, but he chose to since I had no vehicle, which lead us into a glorious weekend doing a whole lot of nothing.

We ran a few errands, I finished one book and started another, Shawn played video games, and when Caden was up, he got massive amounts of play time! It was great!

Wed. was declared Jammie Day

Here it is, Monday morning. We have a jam packed day of activities and I have work to do, and later today we'll be treated to another ice storm. Hope the power stays on!

Everything is Impossible

You can't have it all.

Things have been going so exceptionally well with planning for the adoption. Found the agency, found a home study place in our town, figured out some money issues. And then we thought to ask Shawn's company if they provide any financial benefits for adoption. An office I used to work for reimbursed 2K for adoption, which would nearly cover the cost of the home study, so we thought it was worth a shot.

In an attempt to be discreet, I called his HR department, this is how that call went:

Me: Hi, my husband works for your company and we would like to know if you offer benefits towards adoption.

HR: What's his name?

Me: Well, we'd like to keep this private at the time, so I'd rather not say.

HR: I can't disclose that information to someone who is not an employee.

What? It's a company HR benefit!! Those are usually "disclosed" during an interview or career fair.

Me: Oh, ok. I'll ask him to email you then. Can I assume you do offer some benefits then?

HR: I can't say that.

**hang up**

Later that day, Shawn emailed HR. Guess what the reply was?

No benefits. He qualifies for FMLA (unpaid leave).

GEE THANKS!!! So glad he told you something that we wished to keep private FOR NO REASON.

Like, I said, everything else is going very well. After our tax return and a commission payment for Shawn, we should have about 8K for this adoption. Which is oodles more than I thought we would have at this time.

It's a rough estimate as I'm not quite done with our taxes, but hopefully it's near to accurate. This would be about half of what we need.

And in the meantime, we've gotten a few snow storms that Caden has enjoyed somewhat. Not sure what he things of snow just yet. Or "snowman" which is what he thinks snow is called!

We won't be doing anything about the adoption until after we receive our tax return. But I will be cancelling our attendance at the county fostercare/adoption orientation. Turns out social services generally does not provide full reports to private agencies. Which means if we didn't go the fostercare route, we'd have to start all over with the private agency. Since we'd found an agency we like, it seems like a waste of about 6 weeks. This process is long enough, we don't need to add 6 weeks to it!

Find Angency. Check!

Holy moly!!! I am so beyond excited to announce that I think we may have found an agency. For the past several months (and on and off for years) I have perused agency websites. Not really having any idea what I was looking for. Last week, I stumbled upon one (whose name I won't mention until we are firmly in the system) and I just love it! Why? This is why:

• Fees are based on income
• Fees are reasonable
• They help people regardless of sexual orientation, race, religion, age, marital status.
• They treat birthmothers with respect
• They offer lifetime counseling services to the birthmother
• They offer counseling services 2x each month (I think) for the adoptive parents until the child is 18
• Their average wait is 12 months (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and is generally between 6 and 18 months

I knew the right agency would just speak to me once I found it and this one certainly has. Their website is informative and turns a complicated process into something I can understand. Now that's saying something!!

Since they are not licensed in VA, we need a third party to do the home study and I contacted an agency in my town about that on Friday. I also asked my mom if she would be interested in flying with us to wherever the baby is when she/he is born...and she got all choked up. Which was cute to hear.

It looks like we will cancel the social services orientation and course because as it turns out, they do not release the full report to private agencies, so we'd need to do another home study anyway.

As soon as Shawn has some time to look over the material and assuming he likes this agency too. I think we'll register for a weekend orientation and then get rolling with the home study, which takes 6-8 weeks. Hopefully during that time, we can complete whatever else needs to be done and then we'll just wait. If we can get the paperwork submitted by mid-March, then maybe we'll be celebrating two birthdays next March.

I can hardly stand my excitement. It's almost too much.

An Ordinary Day

There isn't much I would change about our life except maybe the length of my husband's commute. Otherwise, our life fits me like a glove. Here's a glimpse of a typical day:

7:15am: Alarm Goes off. Shawn walks the dogs, I feed the cats. He gets ready for work, I sit at the computer and work for a few hours

9:00am: Caden begins to stir. I zip into the shower and then collect him.

9:30-1:00: Caden has breakfast. We play around the house. I do a few work-related tasks. We go to some morning activity about 3 days a week and then he has lunch.

1:00-2:00: Naptime. (Sometimes.) During this time, I either work, clean, or nap myself (not often!!) And it's not always an hour. Lately it's only been about 20 minutes!

2:00-6:00: More play time!! Occasional afternoon activity. I may tutor a French student some days and Caden has a neighborhood girl watch him.

6:00-7:00: Time to make dinner and for Caden, this means emptying the kitchen cabinets.

7:00: Shawn gets home, we eat dinner.

7:45-8:30: Playtime in the basement with daddy!!

8:30-10:30: Alone time for Shawn and I

10:30: I head upstairs to read, Shawn plays video games. (Alone time for each of us)

That's pretty much it! I try to do errands during the week so our weekends can be used for family activities. And that's worked out well so far.

I love looking at this timeline...there is so much playtime for Caden. During his playtime, he often occupies himself, climbs all over one of the dogs, or we'll sit and read. He loves to look through books and people aren't kidding when they kids are sponges. I can't get over what he retains. Last night he started saying "dinosaur" although it sounded much more like "dine-do-door". Too unbelievably cute.

Every parent does what's best for them and their child. Not everyone can stay home and I understand and respect that. I feel so blessed to be able to stay home with Caden. He has a large vocabulary, one-on-one attention throughout the day, social interaction with other kids several times a week, and occasional visits to daycare when I have a meeting.

I know this was the right decision for us. Even if it meant fewer vacations, fewer new clothes, and not as many toys and gadgets for a few years. Those things I can always have at some point in my life. Getting my two-year-old back when he's in college will be a tough thing to accomplish.

(I may actually have an adoption update later today as well. We may have found an agency!!)

Meet Our Son

In 2009 we were incredibly blessed with the birth of our son, Caden. It was a long road to parenthood for us. Six months after we married in 2005, we decided to start a family; however, we had no idea how hard that would be for us. Three years and many infertility treatments later Shawn was staining a shed in our driveway the 4th of July weekend when I brought him the home pregnancy test I had just taken that read positive.

This pregnancy was the result of in vitro fertilization. We were lucky that we had success the first time.

After he was born we hoped that the path had been paved and more children would follow when we were ready for them.

Wrong again.

Two years later we have had one failed IUI and one failed IVF. This is not something we want to continue putting ourselves, or my body, through.

We know that adoption is the right road for us to expand our family.

Caden is an absolute joy. He is sweet and loving and simply adorable. He hugs and kisses and loves the fur off our pets. (Well, the dogs anyway, the cats don't stick around long enough for him to get a hold of them.)

He loves planes, cars, and balls. He points at the moon when we go outside at night. He loves emptying the kitchen cabinets and getting the dogs to chase him around the house. When the weather is nice, he loves his sandbox and doing anything outside. He is beginning to play with other children. He loves babies and often carries a photo himself around. He loves apples, bananas, hot dogs, chocolate, milk, and pork. He's a wonderful sleeper, but seems to be giving up his naps. He loves the bath. He pats my back when I hold him and he's upset. He covers his eyes we speak sharply to him. His favorite color is green. He dances to the Apple iPad commercial and loves to clap along with the audience during any reality show. He loves to watch Caillou.

He's perfect. There isn't a thing we would change about this baby.

A Place Called Home

In 2004, Shawn and I bought our current home. We love this home. We're not sure it's our forever home, but sometimes I'm convinced I could live here forever.

Our house is tucked away on a cul-de-sac in a heavily wooded area. We have a nice-sized yard surrounded by woods. On a regular basis there are deer, fox, hawks, and I even saw a bald eagle a few weeks ago.

The house itself is a very standard colonial home: center hallway, four rooms downstairs, four bedrooms. When we bought the house, it was a complete blank canvas. Everything was white! Since then, we have painted nearly every room, added bamboo floors, new windows, given the kitchen a makeover, finished the basement, added ceiling fans, replaced the front door and done a fair amount of work outside. Our wish list for this house is not yet complete, but it's getting there. We have both enjoyed putting our fingerprints on this home over the years.

Our forever house is easy to describe. We want very much to buy a 200-yr-old farmhouse on at least 10 acres and restore or renovate it. That's the dream house...actually it's more than that, it's the plan. We'll get there, but it may take a few more decades.

In the meantime, we treat this house well and it treats us well.

After living here for almost 7 years, we've built a nice network of local friends. In 2009 I joined a local mom's group and am currently serving on their Board of Directors as their Membership Vice President. I enjoy this group of women tremendously and am so happy to have found such a large group of women who share my values. We are not women out trying to be the Joneses: hiding mounting debt with the facade of having it all. We live within our means and sacrifice in order to be home with our children. We plan activities for our children to give them social interaction until they are of school age.

Shawn and I have no interest in keeping up with other people. We do what we want to do when we want to do it and because we want to do it, not because someone tells us to do it. Did any of that make sense?

My point can be illustrated as follows: We don't have TiVo or iPhones or an iPad. We don't go on vacation if the cash isn't in hand. We save money for our son's future. I buy consignment clothes. We own our cars. We both have college and/or master's degrees but no student loans. I feel we are more responsible than perhaps 70% of the people we know. This might be an obnoxious thing to say, but I sincerely cannot understand why people would place possessions ahead of quality time with their family or savings plan for their child's education. This is a mystery to me.

But don't get me wrong...we like toys. Shawn recently got a PS3 for Christmas and I received a Nook. What can I say? Some things just call to us. And each year we hope to spend two weeks at the beach. And I will confess to this, I love to travel. As soon as we are able financially and our son is of an age where he will remember, we plan to take him to Europe: France, Ireland, Spain, Italy...you name it, I want our family to go.

Well...that was a little more than just information about our house, but I want this blog to be an inside glimpse of who we are. Like I said, I'm going to be transparent...and since this process will move about 10 times slower than a snail's pace, I need something to chat about.

Dear Birth Mother

I know very little about adoption other than it's wicked expensive and can take an eternity. There is one other thing I know...I need to write a letter to the birth mother.

Dear Birth Mother.....(crickets, silence, crinkling of paper as I scrap this and start over)

How does one write this letter? A LETTER introducing yourself to the woman who is potentially carrying your child? A letter...just a letter. Where does one begin? I've been drafting and rewriting this letter for years. I have a Master's degree in writing that is useless when it comes to pouring out my heart onto a piece of paper.

I suppose part one would begin with Thanks.

Thank you for reading this. Thank you for not flipping past my letter and on to the next one. Thank you for looking through this book at all. Thank you for not calling the clinic and having your "situation taken care of". Thank you for giving the life growing within you a chance, an opportunity, an actual life. The mere fact you're reading these words speaks volumes about who you are and the dreams that you have not only for yourself, but for your baby.

Which would bring me to the second part of the letter: Don't Worry.

It isn't easy to reassure someone about such a monumental decision. Don't worry...I forget to feed my dogs occasionally, but I won't forget to feed the baby! (as I automatically look to my right at the dogs' bowls...yup, full.) But in all seriousness, I need to convey to the birthmother that her baby will be in good hands. That after having my son and going back to work, I spent all day, every day for two months looking for opportunities from home. And that after finding those full time opportunities, I sought part time ones because I couldn't deprive my son of my full attention. That I would gladly give up any number of things to care for my own child. Now, after two years, I'm a PT worker and a FT mom. He goes to daycare for a few hours each week and even that isn't a year-round.

I believe adoption is a Win-Win-Win situation. (There is a reference to The Office here).

The birthmother, who I assume has come to the conclusion that it isn't the ideal time in her life to raise a baby, is given an opportunity to finish school or focus on other things.

The adoptive family is given an incomparable gift. A gift of such greatness there aren't words to describe how stupendous it is. Being robbed of the opportunity to create life themselves, they are given that opportunity by a stranger.

The baby is given a home in which he/she can thrive. Develop into a toddler, a child, a teenager, and finally an adult. Where needs will be met and wants fulfilled. Where growth and development are fostered and encouraged.

Adoption let's us all win.

The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins with One Step

This is written on a photo hanging in our son's room. It's such a perfect saying and I love it so much. It can apply to any journey which you set out for, knowing that the first step will be followed by so many others before you arrive at your destination.

I barely know how to begin this blog and have to admit that I'm throwing everything out there, being completely transparent, accessible, naked, in the hopes that someone stumbles upon this blog and it resonates with them. Or in the very least, I attract a few readers who can provide me with information. I believe in the power of the internet. I believe in the collective knowledge of people who lurk.

With this humble introduction, I'll get to the point of things. We're launching ourselves into the adoption process. There I said it. I've said it to a few people already, announced it to my mom's group, told my own mother, but it hasn't been my status on FB yet, so it isn't quite public.

I feel like I could say that I plan to go to the moon and it would have the same affect. I am no closer to the moon and not a thing around me has changed. When you say you are pregnant, things change. You gain weight, get a little (then a lot) thicker in the middle, and after a predetermined length of time, you have a baby.

When you say you are going to adopt, nothing changes. Perhaps my Google History would reflect this admission, but that's about it. Any way weight I've gained is from stress and anxiety, not a fetus. And in 40ish weeks, I am fairly confident there will not be a baby. At the end of 4 years, I'm still cautiously optimistic.

But here, with this post, this blog, I hope to share with ill-prepared women who we are. What we're like, what adoptive parents can look like. And dare I hope, dare I even utter the words? Can I dream that one mother-to-be will read these words and reconsider abortion? Dare I aim so high? I'm not sure. But if nothing else, I can capture what will likely be the craziest adventure of my life that hopefully ends with a little bundle of pink or blue...or both.