In the Fall of 1999, I married my first husband. A nice enough guy who I met my senior year of college. He liked me. I was surprised by that. As time went on, he seemed to like me enough to marry me. And so we did.
And he moved me to Virginia. The single greatest thing that ever happened to me. It saved my life.
In that move, I learned who I was. I was removed from brain-washing manipulation, the likes of which you really only hear about. All ties were cut. I was free. Free to learn who I was, and most importantly, who I was NOT.
It became clear to me that the life I had signed up for, was not for me. I was miserable. And it wasn't so much my husband's fault as it was my fault for not knowing more about myself when I married him.
So, in a painful, yet necessary decision. I left.
The following year was hell. I was overwhelming depressed and broken.
That was the year of my awakening. I spent a solid year beating myself up and going over and over and over in my head what could possibly be wrong with me.
Here it is a decade later and I finally know.
There is NOTHING wrong with me. There is, however, an enormous amount wrong with other people. People so badly broken, they are shattered. People who have no grip on reality. Who live in a fictitious world made up of convenient truths.
I am eternally grateful for the miles between me and those people. I am eternally grateful to myself for staying in VA after my divorce. I am grateful for my current husband, who truly loves me and each of my many flaws. I now know unconditional love.
And I am grateful that I learned all this while my children are still young. So they will NEVER be exposed to the World of Fiction in which I was raised.
They will know the real world. Where the sky is blue.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Dreams Fulfilled
I attended a women's forum today and it was such an inspiring event. The forum aimed to empower women and help us realize our dreams.
As I sat through the sessions which encouraged women to step outside of their comfort zone toward more fearful activities; to visualize dreams in an effort to realize them; and to never give up on those dreams, I found myself realizing that so many of dreams have become my reality.
The path to parenthood took us longer than anticipated and through detours we hadn't ever considered. In the end, we have two incredible children who are the light in our every day. Since having Caden I have become heavily involved in a local mother's group having served on the board twice. And most recently, I have been invited to take over as Editor for a local parenting magazine.
What an honor!
I obtained my masters in Professional Writing and Editing in 2006 with no clear plan about what to do with it. I thought it would be a helpful degree to have if and when I ever had a family, since I started this degree in 2000, before even meeting Shawn.
This woman, who one day sat on the floor crying wondering if she would ever have a family, now has two beautiful children and a flourishing career working on a parenting magazine none-the-less. The determination to have a family has fulfilled so much.
Realized dreams are all around me. In my amazing husband who makes so much possible, in the two small children who make my heart sing, in the fulfilling work I am eager to take on.
While it's hard to not look past the present to see what the future may hold, it's important to pause and appreciate all that is today. Because when I stop and take the time to look around, I see that it's all I've ever really wanted.
As I sat through the sessions which encouraged women to step outside of their comfort zone toward more fearful activities; to visualize dreams in an effort to realize them; and to never give up on those dreams, I found myself realizing that so many of dreams have become my reality.
The path to parenthood took us longer than anticipated and through detours we hadn't ever considered. In the end, we have two incredible children who are the light in our every day. Since having Caden I have become heavily involved in a local mother's group having served on the board twice. And most recently, I have been invited to take over as Editor for a local parenting magazine.
What an honor!
I obtained my masters in Professional Writing and Editing in 2006 with no clear plan about what to do with it. I thought it would be a helpful degree to have if and when I ever had a family, since I started this degree in 2000, before even meeting Shawn.
This woman, who one day sat on the floor crying wondering if she would ever have a family, now has two beautiful children and a flourishing career working on a parenting magazine none-the-less. The determination to have a family has fulfilled so much.
Realized dreams are all around me. In my amazing husband who makes so much possible, in the two small children who make my heart sing, in the fulfilling work I am eager to take on.
While it's hard to not look past the present to see what the future may hold, it's important to pause and appreciate all that is today. Because when I stop and take the time to look around, I see that it's all I've ever really wanted.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Bob the Builder
This past weekend we went to a local humane shelter to look at a puppy named Happy. Happy is a hound mix described as "shy".
The first time we met Happy she was going ape-shit in her yard trying to attack Bennie, the most benign creature that has ever walked the earth. Caden didn't even get a chance to enter the yard with Happy since if a creature doesn't like Bennie, there is something inherently wrong with said creature. Happy was removed from the yard, which left one more puppy. Who they were calling...wait for it...wait for it...Adele.
How could we not pay attention to Adele? She is 6-month-old husky mix with silky black fur. She completely worked and won us over.
Currently, she is out in OUR yard with Bennie, because, ya know...we took her home.
It feels so good to have another dog in the house. It has been 10 months of being a Single Pup House and I wasn't enjoying it. There was alsways something missing.
Once we brought her home it was sorta required to name her. I'm not good at names. At least with the kids I have 10 months to think of names...and I needed each day of those 10 months. It's also a very good thing they were both the gender that they are, because I don't even like their other gender names anymore.
When I adopted Bennie, they were calling him Ben. So, I'm not terribly creative when it comes to naming pets.
So we left it up to Caden who recently named his two Betta fish Jack and the Beanstalk. So we call one Jack and one Bean (the one on the left is Bean, so really they are Bean and Jack)
Well, Caden wanted to call her Bob the Builder. We spent the first day calling her New Dog and Black One. When shen got out Sunday evening, it was really hard calling her back in without something to call her! (We had to abandon Adele pretty quickly, since, you kow, we're trying to get the baby to learn that as her name. It's on her birth certificate and all, so we can't use it for the dog and rename the baby.)
Although Caden tried to call her Bob the Builder for at least 24 hours, which is serious commitment, we have decided to name her Gracie.
Welcome to the family Gracie (Bob the Builder)!
The first time we met Happy she was going ape-shit in her yard trying to attack Bennie, the most benign creature that has ever walked the earth. Caden didn't even get a chance to enter the yard with Happy since if a creature doesn't like Bennie, there is something inherently wrong with said creature. Happy was removed from the yard, which left one more puppy. Who they were calling...wait for it...wait for it...Adele.
How could we not pay attention to Adele? She is 6-month-old husky mix with silky black fur. She completely worked and won us over.
Currently, she is out in OUR yard with Bennie, because, ya know...we took her home.
It feels so good to have another dog in the house. It has been 10 months of being a Single Pup House and I wasn't enjoying it. There was alsways something missing.
Once we brought her home it was sorta required to name her. I'm not good at names. At least with the kids I have 10 months to think of names...and I needed each day of those 10 months. It's also a very good thing they were both the gender that they are, because I don't even like their other gender names anymore.
When I adopted Bennie, they were calling him Ben. So, I'm not terribly creative when it comes to naming pets.
So we left it up to Caden who recently named his two Betta fish Jack and the Beanstalk. So we call one Jack and one Bean (the one on the left is Bean, so really they are Bean and Jack)
Well, Caden wanted to call her Bob the Builder. We spent the first day calling her New Dog and Black One. When shen got out Sunday evening, it was really hard calling her back in without something to call her! (We had to abandon Adele pretty quickly, since, you kow, we're trying to get the baby to learn that as her name. It's on her birth certificate and all, so we can't use it for the dog and rename the baby.)
Although Caden tried to call her Bob the Builder for at least 24 hours, which is serious commitment, we have decided to name her Gracie.
Welcome to the family Gracie (Bob the Builder)!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
The Forest For the Trees
In September, it will be 8 years that we moved into this house. An average 4-bedroom colonial with an above average yard. While we own less than an acre, we are graced with nearly 8 acres of woods surrounding our house in a largely swampy area.
The result is towering sycamores and poplar trees that help us mark the passage of time.
The leaves turn and fall gracefully to the forest floor beneath them and we get to sit back and admire the yellow, orange, and red transformations.
Sunlight dances on the trees throughout the forest, creating leaves that shimmer light and dark as the winds flip them over and the sun brightens the lighter side.
In the early years in this house we enjoyed the yard with our dogs. Watching them run from one side of the other, running along the fence line, and barking at the deer that passed through the woods.
Over the years, the tree canopy grew and expanded. Slowly casting even longer shadows across our yard. The sunlight seemed to shine for fewer and fewer hours. We lost sight of the sycamore tree trunks as the poplar sprouted lower and lower branches. Two of our dogs passed and are now resting beneath the trees.
Today, a tree company is trimming back the trees and taking the poplar up, welcoming the sunlight back into the corners of the yard.
Now we enjoy the yard with our one remaining dog and two young children.
The trees will continue to mark the passage of time as our children grow and we welcome and lose more dogs.
And when the limbs grow out and the shadows grow long, we will remember to trim them all back so we never lose sight of the forest for all the trees.
The result is towering sycamores and poplar trees that help us mark the passage of time.
The leaves turn and fall gracefully to the forest floor beneath them and we get to sit back and admire the yellow, orange, and red transformations.
Sunlight dances on the trees throughout the forest, creating leaves that shimmer light and dark as the winds flip them over and the sun brightens the lighter side.
In the early years in this house we enjoyed the yard with our dogs. Watching them run from one side of the other, running along the fence line, and barking at the deer that passed through the woods.
Over the years, the tree canopy grew and expanded. Slowly casting even longer shadows across our yard. The sunlight seemed to shine for fewer and fewer hours. We lost sight of the sycamore tree trunks as the poplar sprouted lower and lower branches. Two of our dogs passed and are now resting beneath the trees.
Today, a tree company is trimming back the trees and taking the poplar up, welcoming the sunlight back into the corners of the yard.
Now we enjoy the yard with our one remaining dog and two young children.
The trees will continue to mark the passage of time as our children grow and we welcome and lose more dogs.
And when the limbs grow out and the shadows grow long, we will remember to trim them all back so we never lose sight of the forest for all the trees.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
That Day
Not every day can be filled with glorious, "I love being a mother" moments. Some days, such as this one, suck. They suck with epic proportions and send me Googling for summer-long sleep away camps suitable for a 3-year-old.
Some days (also this one) make it extremely obvious that I'm a shitty mother who is "faking it until she makes" only I'm "faking it until failure" at which I think I've arrived.
My usually sweet, mild tempered, smart little boy has been a complete Devil today. A playdate with his declared "Best Friend" including hitting, shoving, toy stealing, and food stealing. The playdate ended with Caden being dragged down the street by me promising to put him in Time Out. Which I did.
He screamed and cried until I told him he could get up, and then continued to scream and cry until I carried him, which I could not because I was feeding Adele and getting her ready for a nap. Needless to say the screaming and crying lasted nearly an eternity.
With Adele safely sleeping, I tried to explain to Caden why he was in Time Out and why his behaviour was wrong. He then handed me some jell-o and a hammer and said "Good luck!"
Not really, but he might as well have. When I ask questions such as "Will you hit your friends again" and he answers "Yes" it is clear he Does.Not.Understand.
After making him a PBJ sandwich, because the Hellion was hungry, I went upstairs to do something. All the while I'm listening to him cry, "I don't want water, I don't want water..." over and over again. Moments later I hear a thud.
Water.All.Over.The.Floor.
I asked him what happened, he said he knocked it on the floor because he didn't want it.
I promptly presented him with a towel, a few stern words, and highly recommended he start cleaning. He (and I'm totally not kidding) threw the towel on the floor, said "humpf", folded his arms, and turned away.
Come Again?
Caden Dragging Part II ensued as I brought him up to his room.
After a phone call to Shawn and several more days of crying (ok...not days but it sure felt like that) I went back up there.
He is currently watching Madagascar on the couch, despite my taking his TV away. (he told me he wanted a movie, not TV).
Clearly, I'm a shitty mother.
But, how does one discipline their kid when the kid clearly has no friggin' clue that they have done something wrong or what that something may have been.
I don't want to be the mom who is abused by her kid.
I just want my 2 year old back. He was so sweet.
Some days (also this one) make it extremely obvious that I'm a shitty mother who is "faking it until she makes" only I'm "faking it until failure" at which I think I've arrived.
My usually sweet, mild tempered, smart little boy has been a complete Devil today. A playdate with his declared "Best Friend" including hitting, shoving, toy stealing, and food stealing. The playdate ended with Caden being dragged down the street by me promising to put him in Time Out. Which I did.
He screamed and cried until I told him he could get up, and then continued to scream and cry until I carried him, which I could not because I was feeding Adele and getting her ready for a nap. Needless to say the screaming and crying lasted nearly an eternity.
With Adele safely sleeping, I tried to explain to Caden why he was in Time Out and why his behaviour was wrong. He then handed me some jell-o and a hammer and said "Good luck!"
Not really, but he might as well have. When I ask questions such as "Will you hit your friends again" and he answers "Yes" it is clear he Does.Not.Understand.
After making him a PBJ sandwich, because the Hellion was hungry, I went upstairs to do something. All the while I'm listening to him cry, "I don't want water, I don't want water..." over and over again. Moments later I hear a thud.
Water.All.Over.The.Floor.
I asked him what happened, he said he knocked it on the floor because he didn't want it.
I promptly presented him with a towel, a few stern words, and highly recommended he start cleaning. He (and I'm totally not kidding) threw the towel on the floor, said "humpf", folded his arms, and turned away.
Come Again?
Caden Dragging Part II ensued as I brought him up to his room.
After a phone call to Shawn and several more days of crying (ok...not days but it sure felt like that) I went back up there.
He is currently watching Madagascar on the couch, despite my taking his TV away. (he told me he wanted a movie, not TV).
Clearly, I'm a shitty mother.
But, how does one discipline their kid when the kid clearly has no friggin' clue that they have done something wrong or what that something may have been.
I don't want to be the mom who is abused by her kid.
I just want my 2 year old back. He was so sweet.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Mother's Day
Dear Caden and Adele,
Thank you for letting me celebrate another mother's day; my first as a mother of two. This weekend was amazing. Spending Saturday at a winery, with friends, watching Caden climb all over a pile of dirt while daddy held Adele was relaxing and beyond enjoyable.
Sunday going to soccer, which you don't enjoy yet, and then Airlie Conference Center for Mother's day brunch followed by a walk around the grounds and planting some flowers in this year's garden. Caden, watching you strip naked and run through the sprinkler was priceless and I apologize ahead of time for encouraging daddy to film it. We HAD to. :)
Adele, you are such a doll, I am beside myself with affection for you. You smile and laugh at everything. You absolutely adore Caden and positively light up when you see him. You began to crawl a few days ago and nothing gets in your way. I hope you carry that determination with you throughout life.
I love you both with such an amazing amount of love, it's difficult to convey through mere words. The words just aren't strong enough. My heart simply expands when I think of the two of you. One of my greatest fears is that before I know it, I will be an old lady looking at back on our life...having more days behind me than ahead.
This is such a precious time in my life. A time I dreamt of without knowing how to dream it because unless you have children, it's nearly impossible to define the feelings.
I am so grateful to the two of you. I am so happy of the fact that you have made me a mother. I am extremely proud and honored at the privilege of being able to raise you both into self-confident, kind, caring, happy people. I want nothing more for you than to have the joy you have brought to me.
I love you both with every fiber in my body. Every cell that makes me move, breathe, eat, and live does so for you. Every action I make, throughout everyday is to ensure you are both safe, well-cared for, happy, and loved.
I love you both endlessly.
Love always, forever and ever, and one more day,
Momma
Monday, April 30, 2012
New Outlook
April was a maddeningly hectic month. We celebrated Easter with friends, took Caden to the circus, hosted Adele's Baptism, had work done on the house, prepared to refinance our house, finished the playset for Caden's birthday, participated in a Mud Run, Caden started soccer and I wrapped up my work for the March of Dimes which included executing walk day for my county, helping with walk day in another county, pulling off a few unsuccessful fundraisers...AND I managed to land a gig with non-other than the Governor of VA's sister in law.
Holy crap...April was busy.
I have to admit that I'm quite relieved to see May upon us. Pools will open at the end of the month, my contract with MOD has expired, my calendar has freed up, and my main duties will be to pull off an awesome event in June for my newest client, continue to promote the farm, and schedule endless playdates for Caden so when he's older he will look fondly at his childhood and the long summer days spent with friends. I don't put too much pressure on myself.
Oh and how can I forget the other milestones in April? Caden ditched the pacifier all together, although he still cries for it when excessively tired or upset, but a quick distraction generally helps, AND we began potty training.
I'm so endlessly proud of this kid. He has been a major champ when it comes to the potty. It's been just over a week when we decided to go cold-turkey with the diapers. We just stopped one day and threw him in underware and let him pee on himself and explained it from there.
He's doing very well...mostly because he is awarded a Dum Dum after every successful pee trip. The kid is living on Dum Dums.
The big event for May? Dentist. Yup, that's right. After plowing him with Dum Dums for 10 days straight, I thought, "huh, perhaps I get his teeth checked out". So we'll go on Thurs.
Other major happenings? Somehow, without my looking half a year flew by and Adele is now a 6-month-old insanely adorable baby.
She is absolutely a riot. The kid has no time to develop...she MUST move...NOW! When she is in her BUMBO, she angles herself and uses one leg to push herself around the floor (or table until we put a stop to putting her up there). The other day she pushed herself over to Bennie to give him a pat.
She is so adorable and lovely and I love her so much...which is great because she is STILL (yes, even at 6 months) getting up numerous times each night. Last night was a good one though. She slept from 12:00 until 5:40. That's MAJOR. That has NOT happened before. I hope it happens again.
These children continue to impress and surprise us on an hourly basis. We are so lucky and beyond blessed to have a house filled with little-boy pee droplets and babygirl spit up.
I hope we never overlook all our blessings!
Holy crap...April was busy.
New Windows!
Hunting for Eggs with Hayden
Soccer with one of his best little friends
I have to admit that I'm quite relieved to see May upon us. Pools will open at the end of the month, my contract with MOD has expired, my calendar has freed up, and my main duties will be to pull off an awesome event in June for my newest client, continue to promote the farm, and schedule endless playdates for Caden so when he's older he will look fondly at his childhood and the long summer days spent with friends. I don't put too much pressure on myself.
Oh and how can I forget the other milestones in April? Caden ditched the pacifier all together, although he still cries for it when excessively tired or upset, but a quick distraction generally helps, AND we began potty training.
I'm so endlessly proud of this kid. He has been a major champ when it comes to the potty. It's been just over a week when we decided to go cold-turkey with the diapers. We just stopped one day and threw him in underware and let him pee on himself and explained it from there.
He's doing very well...mostly because he is awarded a Dum Dum after every successful pee trip. The kid is living on Dum Dums.
The big event for May? Dentist. Yup, that's right. After plowing him with Dum Dums for 10 days straight, I thought, "huh, perhaps I get his teeth checked out". So we'll go on Thurs.
Other major happenings? Somehow, without my looking half a year flew by and Adele is now a 6-month-old insanely adorable baby.
She is absolutely a riot. The kid has no time to develop...she MUST move...NOW! When she is in her BUMBO, she angles herself and uses one leg to push herself around the floor (or table until we put a stop to putting her up there). The other day she pushed herself over to Bennie to give him a pat.
She is so adorable and lovely and I love her so much...which is great because she is STILL (yes, even at 6 months) getting up numerous times each night. Last night was a good one though. She slept from 12:00 until 5:40. That's MAJOR. That has NOT happened before. I hope it happens again.
These children continue to impress and surprise us on an hourly basis. We are so lucky and beyond blessed to have a house filled with little-boy pee droplets and babygirl spit up.
I hope we never overlook all our blessings!
Monday, March 26, 2012
Little Boy in the Big City
I'm not a city person. There is little that appeals to me in a city. Yes, there is great food all over the place and I can buy milk or wine any time of the day or night. But I can't watch the woods thicken as the leaves begin to grow. I can't hear the fox cry or the hawk scream. I can't see the stars as clearly or feel the spring blossoms fall through the air.
I love the country setting.
This past weekend we went to New York for a wedding. It was a long, expensive weekend and I'm fairly certain our attendance was neither noted nor appreciated, because that's how some people are.
But we went none-the-less.
We went because it was the right thing to do. We went because hearing the back lash from not going is so not worth it. We went because we are so bloody rich, spending upwards of $3,000 on someone neither of us even speaks with is totally okay with us. Not like we have two kids and a mortgage to consider.
It was very nice to see some of our family members who we've not seen in a long time and it was a ton of fun to get all dressed up, eat good food, drink nice champagne, and dance in a beautiful room.
We're not morons, we recognize and appreciate beautiful things. And Manhattan may be dirty and filled with too many people, but it also houses beautiful things.
And above all else, I got to see my sweet little boy dun a tux and my darling little girl all dolled up in an over-the-top-adorable dress. She was passed around the reception room like a flask at a bachelor party.
We walked to Rockefeller Center and shopped at the Lego store before the wedding festivities. Following said festivities, we got in the car and spent our remaining $30 on tolls returning home.
And today, the windows are open, the sun is shining, and warm smells of spring fill the air and we are home. Where we belong. Far from the city.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Three Years Ago
Three years ago was the eve of Caden's due date. I anxiously awaited indications that he (or she) was on his (or her) way.
It wasn't until MAR18 at 7:00pm while I spoke with my sister on an uncharacteristically warm March evening that something started to happen. By 1:30am on MAR19, we were on our way to the hospital and at 5:33 that afternoon Caden Michael entered my life.
These past three years I've watched an infant become a baby and a baby become a little boy. A little boy with thoughts and ideas and a personality all his own. Shaped by his parents but fine-tuned by him.
Caden is an amazing little being. He is happy and healthy and loving and smart and has two parents who adore every inch of him. He loves tractors, dinosaurs, airplanes, cars, trucks, balls, trains and bubbles and probably a million other things I can't think of right now. He has us read two pirate books and the Itsy Bitsy spider book every evening. He can recite all of them almost perfectly.
Caden has endless energy. He loves to be around other kids and tends to outlast them on many occasions.
This week we visited a preschool where he will go in the fall with his "best friend" Ian. He will take soccer beginning APR01 and swim classes at the end of April. He will be the ring bearer in Shawn's cousin's wedding this fall. He will wear his first tuxedo next weekend.
Caden loves his sister.
He calls her Dell and kisses her and loves to check on her. He also blames his smelly messes on her.
Someday he will be potty trained, we hope someday soon but have our doubts. He has peed precisely once on the potty...on JAN31...and not since.
Caden loves chocolate, milk, chocolate milk, Gatorade, juice, chai lattes, chick fil a chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, and cheerios. He's not the best eater. He tastes broccoli and occasionally eats string beans.
He loves to be outside. He'll do anything just to be out there. Throw rocks, swing sticks, chase bees...any number of things that will land him in the ER (again).
In a few weeks we hope to have his playset completely assembled. It is now a playset in pieces. We hope he and Adele love it for years and years.
I can't believe how much I can love a little boy. My little boy. A little boy who I have had the privilege of raising for three years now. I am completely honored to be his mother. When he tells me he loves me or that I'm his best friend, he makes my heart melt.
We love you Caden and we hope you have a wonderful birthday party tomorrow!
Happiest of Birthdays to you!!
Friday, February 10, 2012
Snow
I'm starting to think I'm the only person who longs for a lazy snow day.
I want to wake up with the world blanketed white. With all the sounds of nature and man muted by the fall of heavy snow flakes.
I want to stretch and look outside and know that there is no where we need to go, no where we need to be, nothing that has to be done because the weather has given us a time out.
We can spend the day playing games inside, bundled up for trips outside, show Caden his winter wonderland and introduce Adele to the white stuff her mommy loves so much.
In my opinion, there is little better than a Saturday Snow Storm. A break in otherwise hectic schedules to pause, breathe, and enjoy the beauty of a snow covered landscape.
Friday, February 3, 2012
A beautiful day on the cul du sac
It's FINALLY Friday!
Friday means as much to a stay-at-home-mom as it does to a working mom. I long for 7pm on Friday when Shawn strolls through the door offering his help and comic relief.
I can actually go to the bathroom with leisure after 7pm!
And I know that Sat morning is just around the corner and I can sleep in until around 9:30, with Baby Doll on my arm of course, but I'll take it.
Tomorrow we are getting her three month pictures with Caden in a few. I can't wait...I guess I should comb the closets to find something precious for them both to wear. Hope I remember to do that.
Last night Adele went from 2:30 until 6:15...I'll round it up and give her the full 4 hours between feedings. Of course I was up feeding her from 2:30-3:00...but I have been told that feedings count from the beggining of the feeding...not the end. In any case, I got over 3 hours of consecutive sleep at one time last night.
Rejoice people, rejoice. I may live another day.
Friday means as much to a stay-at-home-mom as it does to a working mom. I long for 7pm on Friday when Shawn strolls through the door offering his help and comic relief.
I can actually go to the bathroom with leisure after 7pm!
And I know that Sat morning is just around the corner and I can sleep in until around 9:30, with Baby Doll on my arm of course, but I'll take it.
Tomorrow we are getting her three month pictures with Caden in a few. I can't wait...I guess I should comb the closets to find something precious for them both to wear. Hope I remember to do that.
Last night Adele went from 2:30 until 6:15...I'll round it up and give her the full 4 hours between feedings. Of course I was up feeding her from 2:30-3:00...but I have been told that feedings count from the beggining of the feeding...not the end. In any case, I got over 3 hours of consecutive sleep at one time last night.
Rejoice people, rejoice. I may live another day.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
What am I doing here?
I'm losing my mind and somewhat terrified.
Lately I have the absolute inability to remember things. Not only can I not remember things, I can't remember to make lists to help me remember.
Driving home the other day, I was looking at the trees thinking what a pretty fall it was. FALL!!! It was January!! I can't remember what day it is, what I should be doing, what groceries we need, what work-related tasks I have to accomplish. I can't remember anything.
The terrified part comes in when I think I've left Adele somewhere. This has happened a number of times...we're driving along and I have a complete panic attack trying to remember if I put her in the car. I only reassure myself when I see the carseat (or her in it) in the back of the car.
I believe this is caused by sleep-deprivation. For three months I've slept in 2.5 hour increments...with the occasional blessed 4 hours, and horrific 45 minutes. Add to this the fact I can NOT get over being sick, and you have a rapidly aging, mom of two.
Adele is my baby doll. I love her to pieces and cherish every morning where she is sleeping on my arm nestled in the bed next to me. And this is EVERY morning b/c I give up around 5am and bring her into the bed where I spend 2 hours 1/2 sleeping, 1/2 holding a paci in her mouth.
We don't really know what to do about this.
We've tried my pumping at night and adding 1 tbls to the milk in an attempt to stuff her. That bought us about 20 minutes. Last night she slept in her carseat b/c she's all congested (mommy likes to share) and she coughs when she's laying down. That didn't buy us squat.
Shawn has started to give her the last bottle in the evening, so I can sleep a bit more. This is sorta working.
I can't nap during the day (usually) because I get all wired and then have trouble sleeping...what the hell is that irony? I'm flipping exhausted but can't sleep b/c I'm so exhausted. Seriously!??!
I'm open to suggestions.
Lately I have the absolute inability to remember things. Not only can I not remember things, I can't remember to make lists to help me remember.
Driving home the other day, I was looking at the trees thinking what a pretty fall it was. FALL!!! It was January!! I can't remember what day it is, what I should be doing, what groceries we need, what work-related tasks I have to accomplish. I can't remember anything.
The terrified part comes in when I think I've left Adele somewhere. This has happened a number of times...we're driving along and I have a complete panic attack trying to remember if I put her in the car. I only reassure myself when I see the carseat (or her in it) in the back of the car.
I believe this is caused by sleep-deprivation. For three months I've slept in 2.5 hour increments...with the occasional blessed 4 hours, and horrific 45 minutes. Add to this the fact I can NOT get over being sick, and you have a rapidly aging, mom of two.
Adele is my baby doll. I love her to pieces and cherish every morning where she is sleeping on my arm nestled in the bed next to me. And this is EVERY morning b/c I give up around 5am and bring her into the bed where I spend 2 hours 1/2 sleeping, 1/2 holding a paci in her mouth.
We don't really know what to do about this.
We've tried my pumping at night and adding 1 tbls to the milk in an attempt to stuff her. That bought us about 20 minutes. Last night she slept in her carseat b/c she's all congested (mommy likes to share) and she coughs when she's laying down. That didn't buy us squat.
Shawn has started to give her the last bottle in the evening, so I can sleep a bit more. This is sorta working.
I can't nap during the day (usually) because I get all wired and then have trouble sleeping...what the hell is that irony? I'm flipping exhausted but can't sleep b/c I'm so exhausted. Seriously!??!
I'm open to suggestions.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Party of Four...
Our house has a formal living room, which we use as a family room, and a family room, which we use as a sitting room, because it has a fireplace, and we creatively call it The Fireplace Room.
For some reason, all the furniture we bought we nicely accommodate three people. Since Shawn and I are already two people, that means when we have friends over (more than one) people sit in odd places. Like the arms of chairs, storage ottomans, or our fireplace which is raised with a rock hearth. Extra comfy.
I FINALLY ordered a chair. Just a simple leather-ish arm chair from Overstock. I've never ordered furniture from Overstock, so I hope it's not as cheap looking as it cost. In order to accommodate my new cheap-o chair, I've needed to rearrange a bit. Nothing makes this house feel new again than moving a simple piece of furniture. I feel like I'm unpacking again.
So I've been slightly sliding a larger chair and ottoman around our Fireplace Room to make room for The New Chair so when we have four people over we can crowd around the fireplace and tell ghost stories.
If we have a fifth person over, they'll have to sit in another room until we move to a larger house and I buy a Newer Chair.
Here is the before shot of my Fireplace Room with room for The New Chair. It will go in front of The Death Cabinet, which we recently moved from between the windows to its current location. For three years I have been hoping to replace with a less deadly cabinet with no luck. So The Death Cabinet remains.
For some reason, all the furniture we bought we nicely accommodate three people. Since Shawn and I are already two people, that means when we have friends over (more than one) people sit in odd places. Like the arms of chairs, storage ottomans, or our fireplace which is raised with a rock hearth. Extra comfy.
I FINALLY ordered a chair. Just a simple leather-ish arm chair from Overstock. I've never ordered furniture from Overstock, so I hope it's not as cheap looking as it cost. In order to accommodate my new cheap-o chair, I've needed to rearrange a bit. Nothing makes this house feel new again than moving a simple piece of furniture. I feel like I'm unpacking again.
So I've been slightly sliding a larger chair and ottoman around our Fireplace Room to make room for The New Chair so when we have four people over we can crowd around the fireplace and tell ghost stories.
If we have a fifth person over, they'll have to sit in another room until we move to a larger house and I buy a Newer Chair.
Here is the before shot of my Fireplace Room with room for The New Chair. It will go in front of The Death Cabinet, which we recently moved from between the windows to its current location. For three years I have been hoping to replace with a less deadly cabinet with no luck. So The Death Cabinet remains.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Password overload
When you need a password to find out what your passwords are there are too many passwords. This cannot be more true than dealing with Verizon. We got iPhones today and I proceeded to make some poor customer rep earn her money.
I think I needed about 4 passwords to work with the Verizon person and not knowing any of them, they settled for the primary person's last four SSN digits...and needed to speak to said person.
After settling the password issue, I was able to get my phone activated. This process took no less than about 4 hours and several calls to customer rep.
Is this an indication that I shouldn't have an iPhone? Probably.
I think I needed about 4 passwords to work with the Verizon person and not knowing any of them, they settled for the primary person's last four SSN digits...and needed to speak to said person.
After settling the password issue, I was able to get my phone activated. This process took no less than about 4 hours and several calls to customer rep.
Is this an indication that I shouldn't have an iPhone? Probably.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Bye-Bye Baby
I knew this day would come and I should have been prepared for it. After Santa and everyone else at the Santa brunch thought he was a girl, I KNEW Shawn would insist on a haircut--the first--for Caden.
He'll be 3 in March, so I was well aware of the fact that I was on borrowed time.
I've done an ok job of trimming the length so it never got too terribly long, but it has gotten thicker and when he gets hot or its warm out, it curls up so adorably, I get weak in the knees. He's just so dang cute.
On Tuesday, the last day Shawn was home, we took him to a barber that our friend recommended. The kid threw a shit-fit when we walked in and wanted NOTHING to do with the barber or his chair. Which was okay, since the barber admitted to not knowing how to cut with scissors and that he'd just buzz it. So we left--not ready for a friggin' buzzed head!
After buying him some new sneaks, we thought we'd try one other barber shop...and this time it worked. She managed to cut his hair by coaxing him into the chair with dum dums. Lots of dum dums. He also sat on my lap, which helped.
He walked into the barber shop a baby and left a Little Boy. He looks so grown-up. I can't believe my little baby is gone. :(
Now we have to work on the whole potty training which I'm beginning to think will never happen. I'll have to home school cause he won't be allowed to go to school.
My Big Boy
Sunday, January 1, 2012
My Year in Review
2011 was an incredible year filled with desperation, disappointment, realization of friends' true selves, overwhelming joy and happiness and ended with absolute fulfillment.
Jan 01, 2011 met me with the anticipation of a fresh IVF cycle. One offered to us for free as part of a study. This was our third IVF cycle and our second in our attempt to have another baby. If not for the waived cost of the cycle, I'm not sure I would have proceeded with it and looking at this adorable baby that it yielded, I know now I would have spent anything to have her and am ashamed that I almost didn't do the study.
The study was more difficult than previous ones because my appointments could not be done as early. I spent roughly 4-5 hours every morning for about 10 days driving to the appointment and home, squeezing in my hours for March of Dimes, and caring for Caden. It was exhausting. Shawn worked from home during these days to help with everything.
Feb 14 was the retrieval...and ultimately conception date...for Peanut. She's a Valentine's Day baby. :)
We learned the happy news at the end of February and announced the new baby during Caden's second birthday party to our closest friends and family. It was wonderful.
Life continued on from there. Shawn worked (and continues to work) like a dog, I executed the March of Dimes walk, and Caden grew cuter, smarter, and kinder with each passing day.
Over Memorial Day weekend, we travelled back to Florida and spent two glorious weeks on the beach and at the pool. It was wonderful.
Shortly after returning, things turned when we learned we had to say good bye to our dear dog DJ, only 10 weeks later we said goodbye to Dakota.
At the 20 week mark of our pregnancy, we faced a scare that Peanut may have an intestinal disorder and brain cyst. After an agonizing week avoiding Google, we learned that Peanut was just fine and we breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Summer days with Caden involved playdates with friends, time at the pool, volunteering at a daycare, and afternoons at the playground. We tossed around the idea of moving and I used my second trimester energy boost to clean the house. In the end, we stayed put.
My favorite time of year was quickly upon us and I greatly enjoyed and appreciated the cooler weather as my waist continued to expand. We went apple picking and hayriding and spent time with friends.
A mere four days after trick-or-treating, we welcome Adele to the family and time took off at warp speed.
The holidays were here and just as quickly they are already in the past. Our house is filled with new clothes, new toys, and new life. It is loud, active, and messy. I am in love with my life and the people who fill it. I am grateful for everything within these four walls and the breath in my body.
While walking Bennie the other day, I saw a shooting star. As a tribute to the gratitude I have for my blessings, I gave my wish to someone else who needed it more. I hope it came true for them.
Happy New Year!
Jan 01, 2011 met me with the anticipation of a fresh IVF cycle. One offered to us for free as part of a study. This was our third IVF cycle and our second in our attempt to have another baby. If not for the waived cost of the cycle, I'm not sure I would have proceeded with it and looking at this adorable baby that it yielded, I know now I would have spent anything to have her and am ashamed that I almost didn't do the study.
The study was more difficult than previous ones because my appointments could not be done as early. I spent roughly 4-5 hours every morning for about 10 days driving to the appointment and home, squeezing in my hours for March of Dimes, and caring for Caden. It was exhausting. Shawn worked from home during these days to help with everything.
Feb 14 was the retrieval...and ultimately conception date...for Peanut. She's a Valentine's Day baby. :)
We learned the happy news at the end of February and announced the new baby during Caden's second birthday party to our closest friends and family. It was wonderful.
Life continued on from there. Shawn worked (and continues to work) like a dog, I executed the March of Dimes walk, and Caden grew cuter, smarter, and kinder with each passing day.
Over Memorial Day weekend, we travelled back to Florida and spent two glorious weeks on the beach and at the pool. It was wonderful.
Shortly after returning, things turned when we learned we had to say good bye to our dear dog DJ, only 10 weeks later we said goodbye to Dakota.
At the 20 week mark of our pregnancy, we faced a scare that Peanut may have an intestinal disorder and brain cyst. After an agonizing week avoiding Google, we learned that Peanut was just fine and we breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Summer days with Caden involved playdates with friends, time at the pool, volunteering at a daycare, and afternoons at the playground. We tossed around the idea of moving and I used my second trimester energy boost to clean the house. In the end, we stayed put.
My favorite time of year was quickly upon us and I greatly enjoyed and appreciated the cooler weather as my waist continued to expand. We went apple picking and hayriding and spent time with friends.
A mere four days after trick-or-treating, we welcome Adele to the family and time took off at warp speed.
The holidays were here and just as quickly they are already in the past. Our house is filled with new clothes, new toys, and new life. It is loud, active, and messy. I am in love with my life and the people who fill it. I am grateful for everything within these four walls and the breath in my body.
While walking Bennie the other day, I saw a shooting star. As a tribute to the gratitude I have for my blessings, I gave my wish to someone else who needed it more. I hope it came true for them.
Happy New Year!
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