In the Fall of 1999, I married my first husband. A nice enough guy who I met my senior year of college. He liked me. I was surprised by that. As time went on, he seemed to like me enough to marry me. And so we did.
And he moved me to Virginia. The single greatest thing that ever happened to me. It saved my life.
In that move, I learned who I was. I was removed from brain-washing manipulation, the likes of which you really only hear about. All ties were cut. I was free. Free to learn who I was, and most importantly, who I was NOT.
It became clear to me that the life I had signed up for, was not for me. I was miserable. And it wasn't so much my husband's fault as it was my fault for not knowing more about myself when I married him.
So, in a painful, yet necessary decision. I left.
The following year was hell. I was overwhelming depressed and broken.
That was the year of my awakening. I spent a solid year beating myself up and going over and over and over in my head what could possibly be wrong with me.
Here it is a decade later and I finally know.
There is NOTHING wrong with me. There is, however, an enormous amount wrong with other people. People so badly broken, they are shattered. People who have no grip on reality. Who live in a fictitious world made up of convenient truths.
I am eternally grateful for the miles between me and those people. I am eternally grateful to myself for staying in VA after my divorce. I am grateful for my current husband, who truly loves me and each of my many flaws. I now know unconditional love.
And I am grateful that I learned all this while my children are still young. So they will NEVER be exposed to the World of Fiction in which I was raised.
They will know the real world. Where the sky is blue.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Dreams Fulfilled
I attended a women's forum today and it was such an inspiring event. The forum aimed to empower women and help us realize our dreams.
As I sat through the sessions which encouraged women to step outside of their comfort zone toward more fearful activities; to visualize dreams in an effort to realize them; and to never give up on those dreams, I found myself realizing that so many of dreams have become my reality.
The path to parenthood took us longer than anticipated and through detours we hadn't ever considered. In the end, we have two incredible children who are the light in our every day. Since having Caden I have become heavily involved in a local mother's group having served on the board twice. And most recently, I have been invited to take over as Editor for a local parenting magazine.
What an honor!
I obtained my masters in Professional Writing and Editing in 2006 with no clear plan about what to do with it. I thought it would be a helpful degree to have if and when I ever had a family, since I started this degree in 2000, before even meeting Shawn.
This woman, who one day sat on the floor crying wondering if she would ever have a family, now has two beautiful children and a flourishing career working on a parenting magazine none-the-less. The determination to have a family has fulfilled so much.
Realized dreams are all around me. In my amazing husband who makes so much possible, in the two small children who make my heart sing, in the fulfilling work I am eager to take on.
While it's hard to not look past the present to see what the future may hold, it's important to pause and appreciate all that is today. Because when I stop and take the time to look around, I see that it's all I've ever really wanted.
As I sat through the sessions which encouraged women to step outside of their comfort zone toward more fearful activities; to visualize dreams in an effort to realize them; and to never give up on those dreams, I found myself realizing that so many of dreams have become my reality.
The path to parenthood took us longer than anticipated and through detours we hadn't ever considered. In the end, we have two incredible children who are the light in our every day. Since having Caden I have become heavily involved in a local mother's group having served on the board twice. And most recently, I have been invited to take over as Editor for a local parenting magazine.
What an honor!
I obtained my masters in Professional Writing and Editing in 2006 with no clear plan about what to do with it. I thought it would be a helpful degree to have if and when I ever had a family, since I started this degree in 2000, before even meeting Shawn.
This woman, who one day sat on the floor crying wondering if she would ever have a family, now has two beautiful children and a flourishing career working on a parenting magazine none-the-less. The determination to have a family has fulfilled so much.
Realized dreams are all around me. In my amazing husband who makes so much possible, in the two small children who make my heart sing, in the fulfilling work I am eager to take on.
While it's hard to not look past the present to see what the future may hold, it's important to pause and appreciate all that is today. Because when I stop and take the time to look around, I see that it's all I've ever really wanted.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Bob the Builder
This past weekend we went to a local humane shelter to look at a puppy named Happy. Happy is a hound mix described as "shy".
The first time we met Happy she was going ape-shit in her yard trying to attack Bennie, the most benign creature that has ever walked the earth. Caden didn't even get a chance to enter the yard with Happy since if a creature doesn't like Bennie, there is something inherently wrong with said creature. Happy was removed from the yard, which left one more puppy. Who they were calling...wait for it...wait for it...Adele.
How could we not pay attention to Adele? She is 6-month-old husky mix with silky black fur. She completely worked and won us over.
Currently, she is out in OUR yard with Bennie, because, ya know...we took her home.
It feels so good to have another dog in the house. It has been 10 months of being a Single Pup House and I wasn't enjoying it. There was alsways something missing.
Once we brought her home it was sorta required to name her. I'm not good at names. At least with the kids I have 10 months to think of names...and I needed each day of those 10 months. It's also a very good thing they were both the gender that they are, because I don't even like their other gender names anymore.
When I adopted Bennie, they were calling him Ben. So, I'm not terribly creative when it comes to naming pets.
So we left it up to Caden who recently named his two Betta fish Jack and the Beanstalk. So we call one Jack and one Bean (the one on the left is Bean, so really they are Bean and Jack)
Well, Caden wanted to call her Bob the Builder. We spent the first day calling her New Dog and Black One. When shen got out Sunday evening, it was really hard calling her back in without something to call her! (We had to abandon Adele pretty quickly, since, you kow, we're trying to get the baby to learn that as her name. It's on her birth certificate and all, so we can't use it for the dog and rename the baby.)
Although Caden tried to call her Bob the Builder for at least 24 hours, which is serious commitment, we have decided to name her Gracie.
Welcome to the family Gracie (Bob the Builder)!
The first time we met Happy she was going ape-shit in her yard trying to attack Bennie, the most benign creature that has ever walked the earth. Caden didn't even get a chance to enter the yard with Happy since if a creature doesn't like Bennie, there is something inherently wrong with said creature. Happy was removed from the yard, which left one more puppy. Who they were calling...wait for it...wait for it...Adele.
How could we not pay attention to Adele? She is 6-month-old husky mix with silky black fur. She completely worked and won us over.
Currently, she is out in OUR yard with Bennie, because, ya know...we took her home.
It feels so good to have another dog in the house. It has been 10 months of being a Single Pup House and I wasn't enjoying it. There was alsways something missing.
Once we brought her home it was sorta required to name her. I'm not good at names. At least with the kids I have 10 months to think of names...and I needed each day of those 10 months. It's also a very good thing they were both the gender that they are, because I don't even like their other gender names anymore.
When I adopted Bennie, they were calling him Ben. So, I'm not terribly creative when it comes to naming pets.
So we left it up to Caden who recently named his two Betta fish Jack and the Beanstalk. So we call one Jack and one Bean (the one on the left is Bean, so really they are Bean and Jack)
Well, Caden wanted to call her Bob the Builder. We spent the first day calling her New Dog and Black One. When shen got out Sunday evening, it was really hard calling her back in without something to call her! (We had to abandon Adele pretty quickly, since, you kow, we're trying to get the baby to learn that as her name. It's on her birth certificate and all, so we can't use it for the dog and rename the baby.)
Although Caden tried to call her Bob the Builder for at least 24 hours, which is serious commitment, we have decided to name her Gracie.
Welcome to the family Gracie (Bob the Builder)!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
The Forest For the Trees
In September, it will be 8 years that we moved into this house. An average 4-bedroom colonial with an above average yard. While we own less than an acre, we are graced with nearly 8 acres of woods surrounding our house in a largely swampy area.
The result is towering sycamores and poplar trees that help us mark the passage of time.
The leaves turn and fall gracefully to the forest floor beneath them and we get to sit back and admire the yellow, orange, and red transformations.
Sunlight dances on the trees throughout the forest, creating leaves that shimmer light and dark as the winds flip them over and the sun brightens the lighter side.
In the early years in this house we enjoyed the yard with our dogs. Watching them run from one side of the other, running along the fence line, and barking at the deer that passed through the woods.
Over the years, the tree canopy grew and expanded. Slowly casting even longer shadows across our yard. The sunlight seemed to shine for fewer and fewer hours. We lost sight of the sycamore tree trunks as the poplar sprouted lower and lower branches. Two of our dogs passed and are now resting beneath the trees.
Today, a tree company is trimming back the trees and taking the poplar up, welcoming the sunlight back into the corners of the yard.
Now we enjoy the yard with our one remaining dog and two young children.
The trees will continue to mark the passage of time as our children grow and we welcome and lose more dogs.
And when the limbs grow out and the shadows grow long, we will remember to trim them all back so we never lose sight of the forest for all the trees.
The result is towering sycamores and poplar trees that help us mark the passage of time.
The leaves turn and fall gracefully to the forest floor beneath them and we get to sit back and admire the yellow, orange, and red transformations.
Sunlight dances on the trees throughout the forest, creating leaves that shimmer light and dark as the winds flip them over and the sun brightens the lighter side.
In the early years in this house we enjoyed the yard with our dogs. Watching them run from one side of the other, running along the fence line, and barking at the deer that passed through the woods.
Over the years, the tree canopy grew and expanded. Slowly casting even longer shadows across our yard. The sunlight seemed to shine for fewer and fewer hours. We lost sight of the sycamore tree trunks as the poplar sprouted lower and lower branches. Two of our dogs passed and are now resting beneath the trees.
Today, a tree company is trimming back the trees and taking the poplar up, welcoming the sunlight back into the corners of the yard.
Now we enjoy the yard with our one remaining dog and two young children.
The trees will continue to mark the passage of time as our children grow and we welcome and lose more dogs.
And when the limbs grow out and the shadows grow long, we will remember to trim them all back so we never lose sight of the forest for all the trees.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
That Day
Not every day can be filled with glorious, "I love being a mother" moments. Some days, such as this one, suck. They suck with epic proportions and send me Googling for summer-long sleep away camps suitable for a 3-year-old.
Some days (also this one) make it extremely obvious that I'm a shitty mother who is "faking it until she makes" only I'm "faking it until failure" at which I think I've arrived.
My usually sweet, mild tempered, smart little boy has been a complete Devil today. A playdate with his declared "Best Friend" including hitting, shoving, toy stealing, and food stealing. The playdate ended with Caden being dragged down the street by me promising to put him in Time Out. Which I did.
He screamed and cried until I told him he could get up, and then continued to scream and cry until I carried him, which I could not because I was feeding Adele and getting her ready for a nap. Needless to say the screaming and crying lasted nearly an eternity.
With Adele safely sleeping, I tried to explain to Caden why he was in Time Out and why his behaviour was wrong. He then handed me some jell-o and a hammer and said "Good luck!"
Not really, but he might as well have. When I ask questions such as "Will you hit your friends again" and he answers "Yes" it is clear he Does.Not.Understand.
After making him a PBJ sandwich, because the Hellion was hungry, I went upstairs to do something. All the while I'm listening to him cry, "I don't want water, I don't want water..." over and over again. Moments later I hear a thud.
Water.All.Over.The.Floor.
I asked him what happened, he said he knocked it on the floor because he didn't want it.
I promptly presented him with a towel, a few stern words, and highly recommended he start cleaning. He (and I'm totally not kidding) threw the towel on the floor, said "humpf", folded his arms, and turned away.
Come Again?
Caden Dragging Part II ensued as I brought him up to his room.
After a phone call to Shawn and several more days of crying (ok...not days but it sure felt like that) I went back up there.
He is currently watching Madagascar on the couch, despite my taking his TV away. (he told me he wanted a movie, not TV).
Clearly, I'm a shitty mother.
But, how does one discipline their kid when the kid clearly has no friggin' clue that they have done something wrong or what that something may have been.
I don't want to be the mom who is abused by her kid.
I just want my 2 year old back. He was so sweet.
Some days (also this one) make it extremely obvious that I'm a shitty mother who is "faking it until she makes" only I'm "faking it until failure" at which I think I've arrived.
My usually sweet, mild tempered, smart little boy has been a complete Devil today. A playdate with his declared "Best Friend" including hitting, shoving, toy stealing, and food stealing. The playdate ended with Caden being dragged down the street by me promising to put him in Time Out. Which I did.
He screamed and cried until I told him he could get up, and then continued to scream and cry until I carried him, which I could not because I was feeding Adele and getting her ready for a nap. Needless to say the screaming and crying lasted nearly an eternity.
With Adele safely sleeping, I tried to explain to Caden why he was in Time Out and why his behaviour was wrong. He then handed me some jell-o and a hammer and said "Good luck!"
Not really, but he might as well have. When I ask questions such as "Will you hit your friends again" and he answers "Yes" it is clear he Does.Not.Understand.
After making him a PBJ sandwich, because the Hellion was hungry, I went upstairs to do something. All the while I'm listening to him cry, "I don't want water, I don't want water..." over and over again. Moments later I hear a thud.
Water.All.Over.The.Floor.
I asked him what happened, he said he knocked it on the floor because he didn't want it.
I promptly presented him with a towel, a few stern words, and highly recommended he start cleaning. He (and I'm totally not kidding) threw the towel on the floor, said "humpf", folded his arms, and turned away.
Come Again?
Caden Dragging Part II ensued as I brought him up to his room.
After a phone call to Shawn and several more days of crying (ok...not days but it sure felt like that) I went back up there.
He is currently watching Madagascar on the couch, despite my taking his TV away. (he told me he wanted a movie, not TV).
Clearly, I'm a shitty mother.
But, how does one discipline their kid when the kid clearly has no friggin' clue that they have done something wrong or what that something may have been.
I don't want to be the mom who is abused by her kid.
I just want my 2 year old back. He was so sweet.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Mother's Day
Dear Caden and Adele,
Thank you for letting me celebrate another mother's day; my first as a mother of two. This weekend was amazing. Spending Saturday at a winery, with friends, watching Caden climb all over a pile of dirt while daddy held Adele was relaxing and beyond enjoyable.
Sunday going to soccer, which you don't enjoy yet, and then Airlie Conference Center for Mother's day brunch followed by a walk around the grounds and planting some flowers in this year's garden. Caden, watching you strip naked and run through the sprinkler was priceless and I apologize ahead of time for encouraging daddy to film it. We HAD to. :)
Adele, you are such a doll, I am beside myself with affection for you. You smile and laugh at everything. You absolutely adore Caden and positively light up when you see him. You began to crawl a few days ago and nothing gets in your way. I hope you carry that determination with you throughout life.
I love you both with such an amazing amount of love, it's difficult to convey through mere words. The words just aren't strong enough. My heart simply expands when I think of the two of you. One of my greatest fears is that before I know it, I will be an old lady looking at back on our life...having more days behind me than ahead.
This is such a precious time in my life. A time I dreamt of without knowing how to dream it because unless you have children, it's nearly impossible to define the feelings.
I am so grateful to the two of you. I am so happy of the fact that you have made me a mother. I am extremely proud and honored at the privilege of being able to raise you both into self-confident, kind, caring, happy people. I want nothing more for you than to have the joy you have brought to me.
I love you both with every fiber in my body. Every cell that makes me move, breathe, eat, and live does so for you. Every action I make, throughout everyday is to ensure you are both safe, well-cared for, happy, and loved.
I love you both endlessly.
Love always, forever and ever, and one more day,
Momma
Monday, April 30, 2012
New Outlook
April was a maddeningly hectic month. We celebrated Easter with friends, took Caden to the circus, hosted Adele's Baptism, had work done on the house, prepared to refinance our house, finished the playset for Caden's birthday, participated in a Mud Run, Caden started soccer and I wrapped up my work for the March of Dimes which included executing walk day for my county, helping with walk day in another county, pulling off a few unsuccessful fundraisers...AND I managed to land a gig with non-other than the Governor of VA's sister in law.
Holy crap...April was busy.
I have to admit that I'm quite relieved to see May upon us. Pools will open at the end of the month, my contract with MOD has expired, my calendar has freed up, and my main duties will be to pull off an awesome event in June for my newest client, continue to promote the farm, and schedule endless playdates for Caden so when he's older he will look fondly at his childhood and the long summer days spent with friends. I don't put too much pressure on myself.
Oh and how can I forget the other milestones in April? Caden ditched the pacifier all together, although he still cries for it when excessively tired or upset, but a quick distraction generally helps, AND we began potty training.
I'm so endlessly proud of this kid. He has been a major champ when it comes to the potty. It's been just over a week when we decided to go cold-turkey with the diapers. We just stopped one day and threw him in underware and let him pee on himself and explained it from there.
He's doing very well...mostly because he is awarded a Dum Dum after every successful pee trip. The kid is living on Dum Dums.
The big event for May? Dentist. Yup, that's right. After plowing him with Dum Dums for 10 days straight, I thought, "huh, perhaps I get his teeth checked out". So we'll go on Thurs.
Other major happenings? Somehow, without my looking half a year flew by and Adele is now a 6-month-old insanely adorable baby.
She is absolutely a riot. The kid has no time to develop...she MUST move...NOW! When she is in her BUMBO, she angles herself and uses one leg to push herself around the floor (or table until we put a stop to putting her up there). The other day she pushed herself over to Bennie to give him a pat.
She is so adorable and lovely and I love her so much...which is great because she is STILL (yes, even at 6 months) getting up numerous times each night. Last night was a good one though. She slept from 12:00 until 5:40. That's MAJOR. That has NOT happened before. I hope it happens again.
These children continue to impress and surprise us on an hourly basis. We are so lucky and beyond blessed to have a house filled with little-boy pee droplets and babygirl spit up.
I hope we never overlook all our blessings!
Holy crap...April was busy.
New Windows!
Hunting for Eggs with Hayden
Soccer with one of his best little friends
I have to admit that I'm quite relieved to see May upon us. Pools will open at the end of the month, my contract with MOD has expired, my calendar has freed up, and my main duties will be to pull off an awesome event in June for my newest client, continue to promote the farm, and schedule endless playdates for Caden so when he's older he will look fondly at his childhood and the long summer days spent with friends. I don't put too much pressure on myself.
Oh and how can I forget the other milestones in April? Caden ditched the pacifier all together, although he still cries for it when excessively tired or upset, but a quick distraction generally helps, AND we began potty training.
I'm so endlessly proud of this kid. He has been a major champ when it comes to the potty. It's been just over a week when we decided to go cold-turkey with the diapers. We just stopped one day and threw him in underware and let him pee on himself and explained it from there.
He's doing very well...mostly because he is awarded a Dum Dum after every successful pee trip. The kid is living on Dum Dums.
The big event for May? Dentist. Yup, that's right. After plowing him with Dum Dums for 10 days straight, I thought, "huh, perhaps I get his teeth checked out". So we'll go on Thurs.
Other major happenings? Somehow, without my looking half a year flew by and Adele is now a 6-month-old insanely adorable baby.
She is absolutely a riot. The kid has no time to develop...she MUST move...NOW! When she is in her BUMBO, she angles herself and uses one leg to push herself around the floor (or table until we put a stop to putting her up there). The other day she pushed herself over to Bennie to give him a pat.
She is so adorable and lovely and I love her so much...which is great because she is STILL (yes, even at 6 months) getting up numerous times each night. Last night was a good one though. She slept from 12:00 until 5:40. That's MAJOR. That has NOT happened before. I hope it happens again.
These children continue to impress and surprise us on an hourly basis. We are so lucky and beyond blessed to have a house filled with little-boy pee droplets and babygirl spit up.
I hope we never overlook all our blessings!
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